Thursday 29 May 2014

My labour and delivery of Eliene

At 34 weeks I went into my appointment with a headache that had been bothering me for 2 days prior. I was weighed and my blood pressure was taken, the nurse paused and told me she would be back.
When the nurse returned it was brought to my attention that my usually lower blood pressure was so through the roof that I was going to explode...
That explained the headache and chest pains!
The doctor regretfully told me I would be induced at 39 weeks and that I was showing signs of pre eclampsia. I was put on meds and sent home full of FEAR that I just bought myself a ticket to a c section in a foreign country by a doctor I had only seen twice.
As time went on the blood pressure didn't let up, neither did my symptoms or my mood. At my 38 week appointment I went in fully expecting to be induced on the spot because of chest pain. I was right.
I was whisked away from my family, admitted, and the induction process started all within 30 minutes. I couldn't believe it.
They gave me a cervical ripener which would take 12 hours to work, though contraction got painful within 5 minutes. I was over responding, which means I was either already in labour when I came ( hence elevated bp) or my body just did not like what I was doing. For 8 more hours I tried to get comfortable while having pretty severe contractions, I danced in my lonely hospital room while my husband took care of Eliana. I figured dancing would lighten my mood and take me out of the scared place I was going into. It was all fun until a nice Filipino nurse walked in... she laughed, I was embarrassed.  It was then that I was told that the contractions weren't showing on the machine.  This discouraged me and I couldn't handle another nurse seeing my moves so I laid down. (Barely laid down, anyone whose been in labour knows you can't lay down)
When they checked me they were shocked to find I was a 5 rather than a 2 and that I HAD been experiencing contractions. It was great news, except my husband was still with Eliana and all of my thoughts were on where Eliana was going to end up and with whom. I guess I started to panic, I had chest pain and dizziness again. 
They left the room and food arrived, I sat up and my water broke. Everything, the panic I felt, the pain, absolutely everything overwhelmed me and I didn't know why.  At this point I was quickly whisked away to the delivery room. By the time we got there I was a six!
So I called my husband for support, he came and we tried all of the coping techniques we knew. I can remember telling him I was going to continue to go naturally, then decided not to, and went back and forth a hundred times walking down a tiny hallway. I was in pain, things were happening fast and I felt like my head was going to explode. My husband was making jokes, I thought I was going to murder him, but luckily I felt the contractions slightly worsen and that saved his life.
Our midwife came, she encouraged me to finish naturally but 15 minutes later I felt as if I was going to faint. I was able to overcome it, but then it happened again. I felt as if I was suffocating, I was shaking and my heart was pounding. Something felt very wrong. We decided to get the epidural even thought we wanted a natural birth. The midwife expressed that she thought I was having an anxiety attack and I chose a good option if it meant that I could relax. ( Turns out I was, and I have had 5 more since. That's another story for another day.)
15 minutes later a wave of calm came over me. I could breathe. I could talk! I laughed with my husband and expressed my fears to my midwife. 
In just about no time it was time to push, my epidural was minimal and I was able to feel everything ( which I prefer). Pushing was strange, at first it was like I forgot how to push, but after trying twice I remembered. I kept apologizing for not remembering, which is funny because I was saying things outloud that I was thinking. Very weird. 24 minutes and I delivered beautiful Eliene!
It was so short compared to my first daughter that I'm still in disbelief.

Alhamdulilah for another relatively 'simple' birth,

The Second Child


I'm a first child. I'm the only girl since my mother in a family of many, many men. I've been favorite. I'm spoiled, well loved, and though there is only 11 months between my brother and I, I am still reaping the benefits of being the firstborn. 

I was never really interested in the dynamics of birth order, I don't think a person's personality perks or flaws can be determined by who came when. My brothers were both smart, academically I was a stronger student but we come from smart parents so it's no surprise my brothers are also intelligent and open minded. I'm stubborn and determined, I suppose that could be because I am firstborn and therefore the Columbus in our household. I married first, moved away first, had the first grandchildren. I saw this in my daughter, Eliana, too. 

She was not first grandchild, but she was first female grandchild in  two families who really adore female children for some not- so obvious reason. Spoiled, also. She adventured with her dad and I, had her time alone as the only child, and built personality quickly and gracefully. 

I wasn't concerned about birth order at all, until I had Eliene, that is. I popped her out and the realization that I had birthed yet another female dawned on me and I was filled with excitement but also fear of the unknown.

I don't have a sister, I have no other females in my life. The second born in my family was a male, my brother, whose name is that inherited family name and he was celebrated, too! But what happens to Eliene? She's a girl. She has an older sister! Are people going to adore her, spoil her, and fall in love with her like they did Eliana? 

I swear, the night that followed her birth I even dreamt about it. I saw my daughters side by side, well adjusted and healthy, beautiful and... and similar. Too similar. I could not fathom a different personality for a girl than the one that I already knew. I woke up, rolled over and touched Eliene and cried. I not only know nothing about sisters, but I know nothing about parenting two girls. I felt doomed, or that I had doomed the precious little bundle beside me. 

Now, we can get into all of the 'fears' of being a mother to females in this day in age- there are thousands of worries that I will get to when the time comes, but my main fear RIGHT now is that I will somehow cause jealousy between my kids, though I show no favoritism. I already see how lucky my firstborn was, having her one on one time, no other screaming nurslings pulling at her mother during precious bonding time, no screaming in the background for someone to 'sit down!" or 'don't kick your sister!'. 

And oh my GOD is Eliene a different baby! She's calm, quiet, and easily consoled with love and milk. She sleeps well, she doesn't fuss when I dress her, and prefers me over her father. All of these things were the opposite with Eliana to the extreme. I feel so lucky that I have it 'easier' with her, but at the same time I am extremely relieved that she is SO different from her sister because there is some glimmer of hope that their dissimilarity will somehow make it easier for me to love them both equally without causing some rivalry or mental trauma. 

Of course I talked to my husband about this. He shrugged. His sisters are 10 years apart in age and down each other's throats, but that's probably because no one likes someone copying their every move every minute of every day. I can understand that. 

Oh, and now Eliana has decided she is not okay with the baby. 3 weeks in and she has realized that this visitor wasn't visiting. She screams and smacks and yells 'NO BABY!'. I can't even begin to understand how to defuse that anger and hurt she feels when she sees me nursing her sister and unable to play with her, or nurse her. She was never a jealous or angry child before this so I am stunned. She wants to be alone with me and even if I tried to give her alone time it will never be enough because things will never be as they were! How can I win? How could that have even been prevented? I introduced the two of them in the most thoughtful way, I was so sure I had done everything right.

I also underestimated how hard it is to have two kids under 2. One cries, the other cries. What do you do? How do you choose? One is tired, and the other is screaming, how can I put both to sleep? It's not the diaper changing and bathing, that can all be done at the same time- it's the fussing and crying that seems to happen at the same time every time. I'm trying to work out all the kinks and show them all of my love and I am just so overwhelmed that I'm just emotionally dumb and angry 24 hours a day.

I obviously have no regrets, and I love them both so much. Why else would I be worried? I just don't know where I stand and I don't see that comfortable place that everyone keeps telling me about- that magical moment when you can handle two kids without feeling like running into a room and crying afterwards.





Saturday 17 May 2014

Guess what?

Hello!
So it's been a long time since I've written, and though I haven't been productive in blogger world I have been in real life.
To summarize:
Finally ate at le château. I couldn't open doors, too much tech for me. Very fast escalator gave me a scare. Food was great though...
Made and delivered a beautiful child a week ago. Welcome Eliene!
Ended up in hospital, I'm here now with Eliene who just went from oompaloompa orange with jaundice to healthy pink. No idea why her levels were elevated but we may leave tonight. Dallah hospital IS nice but I miss my bed and the novelty of going up and down in this one wore off days ago.
Those are the highlights, I've also been managing floods of Zahrani family members who have come to greet Eliene. I miss my house. I have been an on demand cow for Eliene ( eel ean as my husband says it) since we've been admitted, nothing else to do but feed and watch that Funoon chanel that I laugh at but only understand 25% of. I miss my daughter Eliana. Did you notice yet that my kid's names are extremely similar? Government denied my name choice so we used my husband's so for now they are Elly and Nel... but not Nelly, that's too much.
That's about it for now. I'll have a lot more to update as Ramadan rolls in, then Eid, then Zahrani wedding season, and then back to Canada for the sole reason to lunch with my mom and let my husband run wild in the Canadian wilderness before he explodes.