Saddest day of my life- one year later

Today at 1:21 am 2011, my youngest brother, Richard, passed away at 18 years old. I remember the day like it was yesterday and all of the feelings I had conjure up inside of me with overwhelming sadness and urgency. Today I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I miss my little brother with all of my heart.

It feels like yesterday, yet so much good has happened to me in the year that's passed. I had a baby, my husband and I finally are together, I succeeded in so much and yet that all means so little when I remember this day last year. Life is short, it gets taken away, it's never fair.

When I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter the tragedy struck and I remember feeling like what was the point of bringing life in this world for it to be torn away? I watched my parents know the worst pain in the world as their baby was taken from them, I felt scared, like I was setting myself up for that exact thing.

One year later and I can remember his sound, smell, and presence. He was my little brother after all, and all of his life I was by his side- loving him, caring for him, helping him, teaching him. I was supposed to die first, and I suppose that's the source of my greatest guilt and feelings of betrayal.

As if it could be worse, a week prior to losing my brother I was rushed to the hospital with bleeding, I remember sobbing over my baby, fearing the worst- losing this creation I never got to know. Alhamdulilah she was safe, but I feel like my brother's life was traded and I never felt that was fair. My parents suffered so much, the fear of losing their grandchild and the reality of losing their youngest child. 18 years of love, blood, sweat, and all the hardship that comes with raising a child just to have him pass before your eyes.

Like all before him, and everyone who comes after- he died. He died a hero, he died noble, he died in love, he died with love, he died with his family. That's not something everyone gets at their last moment.

I'm proud of my brother, for everything he was. I love him with all of my soul and I remember the last time he saw me- he was leaving our home- our safe haven. He said he loved me and bye. I'm blessed to have had that moment like so many before, you never know when it's your last. I've replayed that moment over a million times in my head, just waiting for the day he will say "Hello".

You were like a fleeting moment, I mourn your life and having you in mine. I pray to see you again, you're my greatest motivation to see the next life. I want to hold you like I did when we were little, little brother, my biggest hero and loss.

Hair Regret

Okay, so- maybe 2 months ago I gave myself a bob haircut, you know- under chin, no quite shoulder length. My husband wanted to see me with a new hair style and I was pretty curious, so I dyed my virgin hair that was maybe 4 inches from my tailbone AND took off like ten million inches of beautiful wavy long hair. BIG MISTAKE. I loved my bob for a month, however, now I'm having some serious hair regrets!

First regret was dying. I dyed it honey blond in the summer, maybe 2 months after my daughter was born. It was long and golden. I liked it, but hubby wanted red and red was my favourite on me in the past.

Secondly, the big chop. I think I gave it 48 hours of thought. HOW stupid was I to think I wouldn't regret losing like 22 inches of hair? I had long hair for 5 years *sigh*

Lastly, red. RED. Does it look amazing with my green eyes? Yes. Does my husband love it? Yes! Does it leave a coppery hue under every hair colour henceforth, until chopped? YES. I knew it would happen, I was smart to buy a red auburn- less copper, more brown. Still will have a copper hue. I still have to live with it though.

Ooooh la laa

As of January, my fix will begin. I'm going to grow it out as much as I can this month (it's currently sitting past my collar bone, ugh- this length takes me FOREVER to pass!). Then I'm dying it my original brown colour, trying to take out copper without drying my hair to death. Then I will give myself my LAST trim for the next 6 months. No trims, no bangs, no layers. NOTHING. I will suffer with mid-stage hair un-tampered with until it reaches it's desired length, and I predict that will take 13 - 15 months. Then I'm having another 5 cm trim to get rid of residual dye and damage. During this time I will take vitamins and do olive oil treatments every 2 weeks to help my hair out insha'allah.

It's going to be difficult, but I think by 2015 I will achieve butt-length hair like I always wanted. Maybe the cut gave me a new start, a new chance at nice hair. I hope so...