Making changes to make this Home

In the beginning I was in love, the idea of adventure and the thrill of a new life captured my heart and blinded me to a lot of what I was giving up.
Now, two months in, I find myself awake, aware- and all the sudden it's like a slap in the face that just keeps stinging.
I keep feeling lost, or as if I've lost everything. Yes, I've gained a home or two. Yes, it was the right financial move for my family. Yes, my husband is happier. Yes, my daughter is receiving more attention. But I have lost so much- deep, personal things that define me and my person. Things that make me...me.

So now, I'm trying to recreate myself. It's not simple, and the idea is hard to wrap my head around, but moping and feeling depressed is going to kill me-or worse, end my beautiful marriage with a man who deserves me.

I have made a short list of what I really dislike about life here. Like a pro/con list, I've written what I can do to change what I dislike. I know this next month, my demands, my changes are going to cause a fire between my husband and I but I'd rather start a fire and put it out than to let it become uncontrollable.

I no longer wish to cover my face, though I dislike the idea of making my female 'family members' uncomfortable with me. I haven't decided what the course of action is, but it's most likely that once we move out of our small village to Jeddah, that I will no longer cover.

I will demand to go out more, even if it's for no reason. I will not take no for an answer, my husband brought me here and he will have to make sacrifices, too.

I will take my daughter for walks. I miss that, whether it's in a mall or out in the open, we will be taking walks.

I will immerse myself in the Arabic language so I no longer feel detached and dependent on my husband. I will also find a way to be social and meet English speaking people.

These are just a few of the changes I will be making. I have been actively trying to show our maids who and what I am- making myself more comfortable with being myself here in Saudi Arabia. I have started eating with them, inviting them for tea, and treating them like the humans they deserve to be treated as. By doing this, I am setting an example of myself not only to them, but to my husband and his family and all Saudi's I come in contact with. I am not a follower. I am Bridgette.

I have been saying no to people, which I had stopped doing in order to fit in. That has stopped, because I realize that if I allow myself to become a doormat will be seen as a doormat. If I don't want something, I say no. I will make boundaries so I stay comfortable, even if my excuse is " We don't do this back home" or " I am western." Yes, I am, and some things to me are not acceptable.

Yelling at the maid, yelling at my child, feeding my child without asking, inviting yourself in, going into my bedroom, these are all not allowed in my home. I am not Saudi.

It' also hard to say that, but once I admitted I will never be like these people, I felt better. I will never integrate enough to become 'one of them'. I will always be Hani's wife, I will always be the foreigner or 'hawajah'. An outsider. That is okay.

Soon I will have the freedom to decorate my own home, this will include tons of plants, western style couches, an electric oven, and all of the things I loved at home- since the majority of my time will be here, I have to make my home my paradise. I won't be shy about money, wants, or needs. I will try to obtain what I believe is good for me, and good for my family without budging. No sacrifices there.

I'm writing this here because I feel like I'm declaring it, and once it's been published, I'll be held to it. Sound stupid? Not really, I like to think if one person see's this I'll hold myself to it and when the time comes to be ME- I will remember what I said, and that I keep my word.

I will not allow myself to be unhappy here. I wanted this, now I have to suck it up.
Let's hope being assertive is enough.

Saddest day of my life- one year later

Today at 1:21 am 2011, my youngest brother, Richard, passed away at 18 years old. I remember the day like it was yesterday and all of the feelings I had conjure up inside of me with overwhelming sadness and urgency. Today I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I miss my little brother with all of my heart.

It feels like yesterday, yet so much good has happened to me in the year that's passed. I had a baby, my husband and I finally are together, I succeeded in so much and yet that all means so little when I remember this day last year. Life is short, it gets taken away, it's never fair.

When I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter the tragedy struck and I remember feeling like what was the point of bringing life in this world for it to be torn away? I watched my parents know the worst pain in the world as their baby was taken from them, I felt scared, like I was setting myself up for that exact thing.

One year later and I can remember his sound, smell, and presence. He was my little brother after all, and all of his life I was by his side- loving him, caring for him, helping him, teaching him. I was supposed to die first, and I suppose that's the source of my greatest guilt and feelings of betrayal.

As if it could be worse, a week prior to losing my brother I was rushed to the hospital with bleeding, I remember sobbing over my baby, fearing the worst- losing this creation I never got to know. Alhamdulilah she was safe, but I feel like my brother's life was traded and I never felt that was fair. My parents suffered so much, the fear of losing their grandchild and the reality of losing their youngest child. 18 years of love, blood, sweat, and all the hardship that comes with raising a child just to have him pass before your eyes.

Like all before him, and everyone who comes after- he died. He died a hero, he died noble, he died in love, he died with love, he died with his family. That's not something everyone gets at their last moment.

I'm proud of my brother, for everything he was. I love him with all of my soul and I remember the last time he saw me- he was leaving our home- our safe haven. He said he loved me and bye. I'm blessed to have had that moment like so many before, you never know when it's your last. I've replayed that moment over a million times in my head, just waiting for the day he will say "Hello".

You were like a fleeting moment, I mourn your life and having you in mine. I pray to see you again, you're my greatest motivation to see the next life. I want to hold you like I did when we were little, little brother, my biggest hero and loss.

About love

I'm guilty of feeling like the love is gone. It's true. I've been with my husband since 2007, and about 3 years in I woke up one day and I was mad. I felt like he didn't love me, I wasn't getting enough attention, I was mad at our situation and I felt like had I not fallen for my husband I would have ended up in a much easier relationship...

We were just married, the buzz was there. Why was I feeling this way? I still loved him. I don't believe in being out of love- but I felt like there was nothing more I could do! I couldn't love him more, I felt like he didn't love me. That's the difference between out of love and love no more. In my mind the issue was my unyielding love vs. his lack luster love.

Since then it's been back and forth. He loves me, we're happy! He hates me and there is something wrong, we're doomed. I would ask, he would say he loves me and ask me what my problem was and I would break down and cry and get angry about how he doesn't show me love and isn't romantic/supportive. Basic female bull***, I realized when the drama was over. I was ashamed of myself a lot of the time. I'm not going to blame my period, but this thing was like a monthly occurance. I also became very sensitive, when he did something wrong it was the ultimate insult, it showed the major weakness in our love, it showed he didn't truly need me.

Now, I'm not saying he's perfect. He has faults, sometimes he's lacking, sometimes stupid. Me too. I'm not going to up and divorce him, especially if he hasn't: beat me to a pulp, cheated, done something criminal to our family, or lied about an enormous amount of things to some disgusting degree that I don't even know who he is. That's my rule- because the fact is: general unhappiness in marriage from time to time can seem like it happens A LOT, but it DOES happen and it's normal.

I do not believe unhappiness= divorce. I'll tell you why...

1. The saying that the grass is never greener on the other side is false. I'm not going to lie to you! The grass over there is much greener and if you're a crappy gardener,regardless if you do go over to the other side you're going to muck up that grass as well. It's a simple fact. You may do better the next time, but if you can fix things you should at least try. Don't develop grass envy, pick up the slack. ALL grass is truly greener when you water it, and if you take time to work things out and talk it over things will patch up! I should warn you, though, the work is hard and demanding, and it may take quite a long time, but patience and perseverance is key in love and gardening.  
2. Things will be okay if you don't lose the loving feeling at the same time. Relationships fail when both parties give up. Just because you're not happy with that person now, doesn't mean that you wont later, and it certainly doesn't mean they will stay happy with you either. Both of you will suffer, sorry! Happiness doesn't last, but love can. Love when you're mad, love when you're crazy mad, love when you're sad, and love when you're happy and you'll come to realize love was never gone! There is a reason that the words 'love' and 'happiness' are not synonymous. (If you think you should be happy constantly forever you need a reality check! A good life doesn't mean a happy life (all the time).)
3. Unless you've both expressed that you do not want, need, or desire one another on a constant basis- you're fine. This is the 4th reason for divorce and it's not common because it's a genuine dislike for the other person, and to have even cultivated a relationship it the first place is extremely hard. When things get to a point where you resent one another and no long find each other attractive you need to seek help. Strive to find it again and again. If you don't need each other you're in deep trouble. If you have all of these symptoms your relationship might be terminally ill. This does not happen over night, it's deep rooted and probably a result of something wrong from the very beginning. When I'm seething mad at my husband I still know that at the end of the day I respond to his loving touch, I always will. I still know that I need him to be my husband and my daughter's father. I still want a marriage, whether I want to admit it at the time or not. It's when all those things are gone that you might need to question whether there was ever any love at all or just infatuation. What a scary concept.
4. Mistakes happen, we are human. I can be a jerk, so can my husband. When I decided to marry him I made a conscious decision to deal with that person's crap for as long as I live! Sound crazy? Then maybe marriage isn't for you, because that is reality. (Same goes for children, I'm not joking.) If your partner is constantly making mistakes nonchalantly and doesn't care- you have a problem (or rather, he does) but it can be worked out. I'm not saying that it will be easy at all, it might take years, but if he's still an amazing father and great lover, perhaps he's just stupid and I'm not being funny when I say that! People go through phases in their maturity and behaviors change. Have you ever had a child or pet go through a rebellious stage? Men do that too!  Let me tell you what isn't a mistake: cheating to any degree, rape, murder, and in most cases theft (though I have walked out of a store with things attached to my stroller). I will never tolerate cheating, if you've  cheated and it was some lapse of judgement then it's a moral mistake and you're not who I thought you were- as I see it. That's why it's a basis for divorce. 

Despite all of this do you have enormous fights or a bad temper? Well, even you can still thrive in your relationship.

I fight hard (screaming, crying, things flying and the whole nine yards I'm ashamed to admit), but I make it up with real love that even my oblivious and sometimes idiotic husband can see. At the end of the day I love him- sometimes at the end of the week. Fighting hard, being unhappy- they seem like reasons for divorce and our western culture tells us they are- but it's truly not. It's especially no reason to cheat like some stupid people believe. ( "He cheated because he was in an unhappy place in his marriage my butt")Anything that can be healed over time by love and dedication is nothing divorce worthy.

Then again all this just works for me and is in my opinion! You need to be as hard as a rock to take marriage, as soft as a cushion to forgive in marriage, an like a sponge to take all that love in. Coooorny. 

Le fin.