A bright future

Things are looking up it seems! I've made personal changes, not only from within but around me as well. I've laid down boundaries, and everyone seemed to respond well (maybe a few huffs and puffs from my young SIL, but that was expected).

Ramadan always gives me a new start. Everything seems to fit and fall into place this month, the same thing happened last year. I find that routines take shape nicely, too- and I seriously needed some routine in our household! The last three months have been disorderly, I was slack on cleaning and personal goals. I've changed. It feels good!

Basically, our sleep schedule is regular, and even though we'll change it again after Ramadan it's a lot easier to change a pattern where there was one to begin with. Hopefully I'll get my daughter to sleep earlier than my husband and I, it has always been a thing where all three of us fall asleep together. I've discovered that even an hour of alone time at the end of a day makes for a happy marriage, and I'm really thankful for that simple discovery.

With a good nights sleep I've woken up energized and happy. I'm cleaning the house, cooking good, wholesome food like I used to, and I even have time to pamper myself. I'm much happier in a clean house with manicured nails!

Last week we went to Jeddah for a much needed retreat and I must say- my husband completely spoiled me. We ate well every night, we stayed out and did a lot of fun things, we even went shopping and he didn't complain! Sometimes I get the feeling like good things wont last, but not this time. I knew he was doing it all because he loved me and he told me as long as that didn't change neither would the good treatment. It was very, very nice.

In Jeddah we went to an amusement park, the Aquarium, the beach, and a few malls.

Delicious

One night with the Inlaws

The other thing I did was take a huge leap. I got a job, inshallah, with a very well known english school. I'm supposed to start after Ramadan which means my husband, daughter, and I will have to move to Jeddah asap. I'm really excited, though I'm extremely nervous about leaving my daughter because I never have. My husband says he can work it out where one of us is at home while the other works, and that makes me feel a lot better since I really don't want a 'nanny' for Elly. I already feel like 'more' of a person, more 'me'. It will also be really nice to have some of my own spending money, and the first thing I'm saving for is a trip to Canada when I can!

The inlaws don't come over every day now, and I've liked them A LOT more because of it. I knew I needed my distance! We do break our fasts together, which is nice, and a lot less cooking for me to do! lol.

Anyway, I know moving and a new job is going to make me busy but I'm going to try to stay positive since it seems Allah swt has lightened everything that was dark in my life. Alhamdulilah.

Finding Humor in Marriage

Looking from the outside, marriage seems to be the butt of many of jokes. It's funny! There re shows, books, and countless movies on the topic... but what about real life?

I've seen very funny people married to other funny people, it's great from the outside- they have a chemistry and they complement each other, they are always smiling. Until my friend tells me "he doesn't take me seriously" or "he doesn't respect me". He might even have the same complaints. I think this has to do with the type of humor. Always being around a comedian can get tiring (even as a close friend), especially if the funniest thing in their life is you. Sometimes you don't want to be made fun of, they might take personal moments and turn them into jokes, then you withhold things to avoid all of the embarrassment.

There are some people who are strictly business in marriage, they may laugh occasionally  but tensions and issues between them make it difficult to open up. Laughing is the last thing on their minds and the love seems lack luster.

Then there is everyone else- a few laughs here and there, between fights, every day issues, serious transitions  and children. Sometimes we lose track of the last time we really laughed with our spouse, I often hear myself say after a bout of real laughter "I haven't laughed like that in a long time..." maybe I have. Maybe just not with my husband.

When we're goofy and in a lighter mood the fists go down and we're less likely to fight. It's like intimacy, when people are not intimate they get further and further away. Tension builds, and sometimes even resentment. He may get jealous hearing you laugh with your friend on the phone, you may feel ignored by him as he watches TV for entertainment.

We've had small vacations or outings where we were in bad moods, there was no laughter, and no real memory. Outings with children are usually so hectic you run and get things done rather than smelling the roses. It's sad, especially when you try your hardest not to take someone for granted like I do. I always want to keep all my memories in a jar for that sad day when I don't have that person any more, it makes me melancholy just thinking about all the times I couldn't laugh with my husband for some reason or another.

It's impossible to be happy all the time, I know that- but I'd like to bring more laughter into my marriage and bring back that 'friendship' we once had. I'm going to make a list and try to remind myself, because in my mind I think routines equal health, not only in body, but in your mind and spirit as well.

The Laughter List
(It may or may not even be possible to laugh this much, maybe we could laugh more. Tweak this over time.)

1. Watch a funny movie or comedy twice a week with spouse.
2. Turn what could become anger into humor. (Example: He's not paying attention, " There's a quiz after this, you know!" But remember it's very important not to make it sound sour or like sarcasm. Don't make fun of that person  to cover your anger, and don't hurt them with tasteless humor.)
3. Reminisce. Remember funny times together, don't always wait for that person to bring things up- do it yourself. Remember when is a good game when you're not remembering how that person hurt you one time or forgot something and so on...
4. Make memory space- ditch everything that you remember that's bad about that person or what they did at least once a week. You'll be better for it. Don't ignore warning signs though: abuse, cheating, lying...
5. Instead of getting frustrated at someone take a breath and be calm, make fun of them afterwards. Don't be cruel, and not all the time, but sometimes it will make you feel a little more calm dealing with someone else on a daily basis. 
6. Watch your children/pets together. Constant source of amusement- when they aren't crying. 
7. Share jokes. 
8. When you see them, smile. 

Saudi update

So things are going well insh'allah.

We went all the way to Ottawa to the Saudi embassy to get papers, hubby had them stamped, we sent them by mail annnnd..
They were lost by Canada post. Isn't that lovely? It defeated the purpose of our trip aside from seeing my brother. Oh well, c'est la vie. Now, nearly 20ish days later, the mail is on it's way to hubby's brother who is kindly settling our affairs for us in Riyadh. Alhamdulilah.

Once the papers get there, from what we've been told, everything gets into full gear and it's all really, really going to happen insh'allah.

My fear? The mail gets lost again, we are used to the ups and downs, failures, defeats of being a long distance type of family. Torn between two countries, two governments, two families. It get's to you! Especially when you're so desperate to have a normal, settled life.
The mail was a familiar defeat, but it worked itself out. I remember when my husband and I wanted to get married, we tried and tried and tried and we even sought a lawyer's help because we wanted to know the best route. After a year and a bit of worrying over what the lawyer told us, we were told by the CDN Gov that we were mislead and it was a common misinterpretation but being married for us was legal. Ugh.

Anyone familiar with Saudi's previous and new laws on foreign marriage knows how confusing that is, as well.

Things are looking good from the inside, though. We received good news from both government and family, so things are better than we thought. It's been so many years of worrying and wondering that now it's in progress we're taking something too seriously? (I hate to say too serious, because it's important, but the way we've always seen it was that it would be extremely difficult and impossible, I'm not so sure why, though laws and situations have changed).

Our apartment in Makkah is finished, I can't wait to have a place to call my own. I'm extremely excited to get in there and start decorating, that's obviously my favorite part. I'm going to take tons of pictures from beginning to end. The only thing that sucks is that my family cannot enter Makkah and they;ll never see it. I guess nothing can ever be perfect though. I'm still going to make it nice, I'm going to be there for a long time insh'allah, so I might as well enjoy my space!

I'm also excited to meet my husband's family face to face after almost 6 years on webcam, do Hajj, eat Saudi food, explore, learn... so much to learn!

Pray for us, hopefully my husband will no longer be so homesick and my daughter will get to meet the rest of her enormous family soon.

About love

I'm guilty of feeling like the love is gone. It's true. I've been with my husband since 2007, and about 3 years in I woke up one day and I was mad. I felt like he didn't love me, I wasn't getting enough attention, I was mad at our situation and I felt like had I not fallen for my husband I would have ended up in a much easier relationship...

We were just married, the buzz was there. Why was I feeling this way? I still loved him. I don't believe in being out of love- but I felt like there was nothing more I could do! I couldn't love him more, I felt like he didn't love me. That's the difference between out of love and love no more. In my mind the issue was my unyielding love vs. his lack luster love.

Since then it's been back and forth. He loves me, we're happy! He hates me and there is something wrong, we're doomed. I would ask, he would say he loves me and ask me what my problem was and I would break down and cry and get angry about how he doesn't show me love and isn't romantic/supportive. Basic female bull***, I realized when the drama was over. I was ashamed of myself a lot of the time. I'm not going to blame my period, but this thing was like a monthly occurance. I also became very sensitive, when he did something wrong it was the ultimate insult, it showed the major weakness in our love, it showed he didn't truly need me.

Now, I'm not saying he's perfect. He has faults, sometimes he's lacking, sometimes stupid. Me too. I'm not going to up and divorce him, especially if he hasn't: beat me to a pulp, cheated, done something criminal to our family, or lied about an enormous amount of things to some disgusting degree that I don't even know who he is. That's my rule- because the fact is: general unhappiness in marriage from time to time can seem like it happens A LOT, but it DOES happen and it's normal.

I do not believe unhappiness= divorce. I'll tell you why...

1. The saying that the grass is never greener on the other side is false. I'm not going to lie to you! The grass over there is much greener and if you're a crappy gardener,regardless if you do go over to the other side you're going to muck up that grass as well. It's a simple fact. You may do better the next time, but if you can fix things you should at least try. Don't develop grass envy, pick up the slack. ALL grass is truly greener when you water it, and if you take time to work things out and talk it over things will patch up! I should warn you, though, the work is hard and demanding, and it may take quite a long time, but patience and perseverance is key in love and gardening.  
2. Things will be okay if you don't lose the loving feeling at the same time. Relationships fail when both parties give up. Just because you're not happy with that person now, doesn't mean that you wont later, and it certainly doesn't mean they will stay happy with you either. Both of you will suffer, sorry! Happiness doesn't last, but love can. Love when you're mad, love when you're crazy mad, love when you're sad, and love when you're happy and you'll come to realize love was never gone! There is a reason that the words 'love' and 'happiness' are not synonymous. (If you think you should be happy constantly forever you need a reality check! A good life doesn't mean a happy life (all the time).)
3. Unless you've both expressed that you do not want, need, or desire one another on a constant basis- you're fine. This is the 4th reason for divorce and it's not common because it's a genuine dislike for the other person, and to have even cultivated a relationship it the first place is extremely hard. When things get to a point where you resent one another and no long find each other attractive you need to seek help. Strive to find it again and again. If you don't need each other you're in deep trouble. If you have all of these symptoms your relationship might be terminally ill. This does not happen over night, it's deep rooted and probably a result of something wrong from the very beginning. When I'm seething mad at my husband I still know that at the end of the day I respond to his loving touch, I always will. I still know that I need him to be my husband and my daughter's father. I still want a marriage, whether I want to admit it at the time or not. It's when all those things are gone that you might need to question whether there was ever any love at all or just infatuation. What a scary concept.
4. Mistakes happen, we are human. I can be a jerk, so can my husband. When I decided to marry him I made a conscious decision to deal with that person's crap for as long as I live! Sound crazy? Then maybe marriage isn't for you, because that is reality. (Same goes for children, I'm not joking.) If your partner is constantly making mistakes nonchalantly and doesn't care- you have a problem (or rather, he does) but it can be worked out. I'm not saying that it will be easy at all, it might take years, but if he's still an amazing father and great lover, perhaps he's just stupid and I'm not being funny when I say that! People go through phases in their maturity and behaviors change. Have you ever had a child or pet go through a rebellious stage? Men do that too!  Let me tell you what isn't a mistake: cheating to any degree, rape, murder, and in most cases theft (though I have walked out of a store with things attached to my stroller). I will never tolerate cheating, if you've  cheated and it was some lapse of judgement then it's a moral mistake and you're not who I thought you were- as I see it. That's why it's a basis for divorce. 

Despite all of this do you have enormous fights or a bad temper? Well, even you can still thrive in your relationship.

I fight hard (screaming, crying, things flying and the whole nine yards I'm ashamed to admit), but I make it up with real love that even my oblivious and sometimes idiotic husband can see. At the end of the day I love him- sometimes at the end of the week. Fighting hard, being unhappy- they seem like reasons for divorce and our western culture tells us they are- but it's truly not. It's especially no reason to cheat like some stupid people believe. ( "He cheated because he was in an unhappy place in his marriage my butt")Anything that can be healed over time by love and dedication is nothing divorce worthy.

Then again all this just works for me and is in my opinion! You need to be as hard as a rock to take marriage, as soft as a cushion to forgive in marriage, an like a sponge to take all that love in. Coooorny. 

Le fin.

Uh Oh. Trouble at home!

The husband is NOT happy today. 

:(