The Second Child

I'm a first child. I'm the only girl since my mother in a family of many, many men. I've been favorite. I'm spoiled, well loved, and though there is only 11 months between my brother and I, I am still reaping the benefits of being the firstborn. 

I was never really interested in the dynamics of birth order, I don't think a person's personality perks or flaws can be determined by who came when. My brothers were both smart, academically I was a stronger student but we come from smart parents so it's no surprise my brothers are also intelligent and open minded. I'm stubborn and determined, I suppose that could be because I am firstborn and therefore the Columbus in our household. I married first, moved away first, had the first grandchildren. I saw this in my daughter, Eliana, too. 

She was not first grandchild, but she was first female grandchild in  two families who really adore female children for some not- so obvious reason. Spoiled, also. She adventured with her dad and I, had her time alone as the only child, and built personality quickly and gracefully. 

I wasn't concerned about birth order at all, until I had Eliene, that is. I popped her out and the realization that I had birthed yet another female dawned on me and I was filled with excitement but also fear of the unknown.

I don't have a sister, I have no other females in my life. The second born in my family was a male, my brother, whose name is that inherited family name and he was celebrated, too! But what happens to Eliene? She's a girl. She has an older sister! Are people going to adore her, spoil her, and fall in love with her like they did Eliana? 

I swear, the night that followed her birth I even dreamt about it. I saw my daughters side by side, well adjusted and healthy, beautiful and... and similar. Too similar. I could not fathom a different personality for a girl than the one that I already knew. I woke up, rolled over and touched Eliene and cried. I not only know nothing about sisters, but I know nothing about parenting two girls. I felt doomed, or that I had doomed the precious little bundle beside me. 

Now, we can get into all of the 'fears' of being a mother to females in this day in age- there are thousands of worries that I will get to when the time comes, but my main fear RIGHT now is that I will somehow cause jealousy between my kids, though I show no favoritism. I already see how lucky my firstborn was, having her one on one time, no other screaming nurslings pulling at her mother during precious bonding time, no screaming in the background for someone to 'sit down!" or 'don't kick your sister!'. 

And oh my GOD is Eliene a different baby! She's calm, quiet, and easily consoled with love and milk. She sleeps well, she doesn't fuss when I dress her, and prefers me over her father. All of these things were the opposite with Eliana to the extreme. I feel so lucky that I have it 'easier' with her, but at the same time I am extremely relieved that she is SO different from her sister because there is some glimmer of hope that their dissimilarity will somehow make it easier for me to love them both equally without causing some rivalry or mental trauma. 

Of course I talked to my husband about this. He shrugged. His sisters are 10 years apart in age and down each other's throats, but that's probably because no one likes someone copying their every move every minute of every day. I can understand that. 

Oh, and now Eliana has decided she is not okay with the baby. 3 weeks in and she has realized that this visitor wasn't visiting. She screams and smacks and yells 'NO BABY!'. I can't even begin to understand how to defuse that anger and hurt she feels when she sees me nursing her sister and unable to play with her, or nurse her. She was never a jealous or angry child before this so I am stunned. She wants to be alone with me and even if I tried to give her alone time it will never be enough because things will never be as they were! How can I win? How could that have even been prevented? I introduced the two of them in the most thoughtful way, I was so sure I had done everything right.

I also underestimated how hard it is to have two kids under 2. One cries, the other cries. What do you do? How do you choose? One is tired, and the other is screaming, how can I put both to sleep? It's not the diaper changing and bathing, that can all be done at the same time- it's the fussing and crying that seems to happen at the same time every time. I'm trying to work out all the kinks and show them all of my love and I am just so overwhelmed that I'm just emotionally dumb and angry 24 hours a day.

I obviously have no regrets, and I love them both so much. Why else would I be worried? I just don't know where I stand and I don't see that comfortable place that everyone keeps telling me about- that magical moment when you can handle two kids without feeling like running into a room and crying afterwards.