Monday 31 December 2012

Another year

Happy New Year to everyone! I'm optimistic for this next year and it can only get better!
I've had hard years, sad years, strange years, happy years. This year was a bit of everything.

2012 was special because:

  • I introduced my little girl, Eliana, into the world. New Years last year I was pregnant and I was so over 2011 and all of the bad things in it- but I knew 2012 was special because my little beauty would be here. I'll never forget 2012 for that reason.
  • My husband has been living with me 9 months now, without being separated or having to travel! That's something we've wanted since 2007.
  • I learned 934759879 recipes which I love.
  • I lost and gained some family, as well as got to spend precious time with my parents and brother.
  • Aside from my best friend being across the country, I've seen her and missed her in 2012 and I'm grateful. 

Who knows what 2013 will bring, whether it's (and we surely hope it is) travel to Saudi, or another baby, or school, or reaching my goal weight- I'm excited, and nervous because I know what a whole year can bring. 

Here's to wishing everyone an amazing year to LIVE. 

Saturday 29 December 2012

Finding Peace


I've been angry, maybe too angry.
I'm angry at my family's current situation. I'm angry that we're not comfortable. I'm angry that this is so hard. I'm angry that I'm not as motivated as I should be. I'm angry at things in the past. I'm angry at some people. I'm very angry at some other people who don't even matter. I'm angry at the world I brought my daughter into. I'm angry at all of the stress. I'm angry at myself. I am angry.

And I'm about to let go. 

I need to let go for my own sake, and the sake of my family. I'm not who I used to be, I feel like a monster inside and out these days. I'm feeling depressed and so deep in the hole that I can't climb out and I know it's because of my anger.

Husband and I were talking about finding peace and finally healing after the hardest year we've ever had. Quran, exercise, and sunlight are big things I've somehow lacked in a year. Therapy, finding time for hobbies, and our love are some other things I can easily reach for alhamdulilah.

The thing is: letting go of anger, I now realize, isn't about forgiveness as many will preach. I'm not ready to forgive, I don't feel that noble and some things right now that have been done to me are unforgivable. All I have to do is accept that. it. happened. All of it was unfortunate, it happened. I acknowledge it now. I cried a lot and I even screamed about it and it's not the first time but something was different, and now I feel better. Not fully healed, but better.

For this month I'm working on peace, inner peace. I'm not going to tackle world peace while I hate the world, it's too much on my tiny soul. Once I feel more healed I know I'm going to be more of a wife and mother, and that's all I want. To be a little bit more Bridgette, and a little less Banshee.


  1. I'm going to laugh about it all, not wallow. I'm going to throw those who hurt me out of my soul and forget. I have that ability. I am in control. They will be out of my life and out of my mind. And then I'm going to let Allah heal me...
  2. I'm going to be spiritual. I'm going to read Quran. I'm going to pray for more, without shame, withholding nothing. I'm a needy slave, and I want and want. My God made me and he knows. I'm going to embrace my fragility and my faults. God has mercy, power, and controls all things. I'm going to ask for a better life and expect it to happen.
  3. No more maybe. I will make things happen, believe those helping me and on my side will make things happen, and the things that don't happen are in the wind. I will take it by stride and not worry, for this is my fate and the course of my life. I can do nothing but wait, the worry is making me sick.
  4. I'm going to do. Everything and anything I can do to make me and my family better, I'm going to do. No more excuses. 
  5. I'm going to say NO and be firm and unafraid. I am an adult, and I am kind. No is not an unkindness. 
  6. I'm going to say YES and mean it. I'm going to say yes to those I love when they need to hear it.
  7. I'm going to let my husband handle money and shopping and I am going to free myself of the burden for a while.
  8. I'm going to hold my child and suck in her sweet baby scent, I'm going to let her long eyelashes brush my lips and I am going to revel in what my love and my God made for me. I am not going to let being a mother make me stressed, I will not let anything distract me from these precious moments with my firstborn.
  9. I'm going to tell him he's mine. I'm going to rule his heart, give him mine fully. I'm going to grab him and kiss him whenever and wherever I want. I am going to believe in him. I am going to stop thinking about everything and remember his love above ALL else. I am going to pretend for a while he has no faults. I am going to believe he will never really hurt me on purpose. I'm going to be a good wife to him and never hurt him. I am going to give him more smiles to remember me by. I am going to love.
  10. I'm going to miss a lot. I'm going to let myself remember only the good and forget that Richard is dead. I am going to be his big sister and relax. I'm going to throw away the guilt and let the love in because he loved me and it is a shame to forget it.      

I hope this next month is a success and I'm going to try my best for inner peace. Then I'm going spread it.
   
         


Thursday 27 December 2012

New Home, New Style!

I can't for the life of me decide what I want the apartment to be like. I'm lucky to have a fairly liberal husband  who likes my handy-work and we communicate often about what we like/don't like. From what I know, there is very little we despise in terms of style- we've had the utmost classic style with heavy wood and rich colours to earthy tones with an eclectic artisan style. One thing we've never tried which I sometimes love/sometimes loathe, is the contemporary and modern.

Our bedroom 2007-2010
We both agree that having a straight forward idea of what we want our next place to be like is really important- especially because our home will be more permanent than the others we've been in the last 10 years for the both of us. Having an idea will not only save us money when we shop but it will help us get organized, make ideas, and customize to our needs with a baby.

Also, different styles mean a big difference in money. You can obviously break the bank when decorating despite your style, but contemporary is cheaper than artisan, which is cheaper than 'rich' and Elaborate. Classic decor is versatile in the sense that it varies along the spectrum without losing quality.

Love these bright colours!
I don't like that contemporary can look industrial and cold, yet I've seen it look so clean and organized that it's function just fits a busy mom's lifestyle. My husband likes it and it's very popular among his cousins right now. Places like Ikea sell great quality stuff for cheap and most of it is Stockholm modern rather than classic or anything else which makes contemporary so easy to come by- you can also find knock-off of high end stuff for dirt cheap. A friend warned me though- contemporary can be expensive when you go brand name, expensive for a cheap plastic product doesn't allure me. I'd rather pay the true price like anyone.
This is so clean and fun.
I love the mix of dark and light



With a baby we really have to take into consideration her mobility and comfort, babies need light and colour in their lives and in my experience 'heavy' dark wood and draperies aren't conducive to that (even though it's so royal and my absolute favourite). I've seen modern designs which are so baby safe it's silly, and it's so easy to avoid dangerous furniture (namely coffee tables) with combination units and innovative ideas that compact space.
I love the periwinkle in the bathroom, serene
I really find this comfortable

I can't even settle on a colour scheme I like, but hubby really likes red and white. It reminds me of the Canadian flag way too much, I love my country, but I'm not a fan!

Gorgeous and organized 

Muslims on Xmas

I'm a convert, I'm sure you know that if you've been reading my blog. I converted almost 4 and a 1/2 years ago and it's been a tough transition. I love Islam, I think, like most converts, there is this honeymoon period where everything seems easy and you're oh-so willing to comply, and a rebellious stage, followed by a lack luster love affair with your life, and slowly but surely, guilt because you want to be your best. I did make the decision after all, and it was mine.

It's been hard because unless you're completely excommunicated from family and old friends you're going to have a connection to your past and your culture, habits, and quirks. That's not a bad thing, I think it's humbling and brings me back to earth. However, a lot of converts do go 'Super Muslim' and ditch everything they every knew- names, talents, style, friends, and sometimes family. Sometimes it's good, but often it's a struggle and backfires because inherently you are you.

Change must be made though. You can't take on religion and not offer a HUGE chunk of your life. But do realize: it's betterment of self, and that can only be good for you.

My family is not religious by any means of the word, that doesn't mean we didn't have Christmas. It was a holiday for presents, family, and food. We celebrated because we're Canadian.

I'm a proud Canadian and I love where I came and since becoming Muslim I have participated in Christmas to some extent. I do visit my family, cook a large dinner (I live with them and I wont ignore the fact that they are celebrating), and I do wish them a Merry Christmas- because I truly and sincerely wish they have a 'Merry Holiday', just like I'd wish a happy Kwanzaa. A few years ago I stopped giving presents, though, one year I gave belated Eid presents on Christmas because the time was right and I saw family. I accept presents, but those I give Eid gifts to accept them as well.

I think a lot of muslims who convert are caught in this weird middle ground where they're always going to have to participate to some extent, and a lot of them do it for the sake of 'their culture'. "I'm Canadian, and for that reason I have removed Jesus from Christmas and I celebrate for nostalgic reasons." or "Eid isn't Christmas, it's not the same, it does not fill the void." All of these things I understand. I don't judge. It's hard to lose that part of your culture.

But, more than I like my culture or value my 'self' and who I am I value honesty. I know who I am and who I was, but who have I become? Isn't that the real question? I like to represent what I believe by my choices and what I decide to do, and if I didn't think I could give up a christian-pagan holiday for Eid- practically an Islamic mega-holiday like Christmas, why would I convert? I am not saying I am wholeheartedly the ideal picture of a muslim, doing everything I can or should, but giving up a holiday for me is one of the little things in the grand scheme of my religious obligation in my honest opinion.

In my mind honesty is being true to what you have decided to dedicate your time. Accepting religion is an obligation, and a promise. So is marriage, and parenting, health and earth consciousness  and being an informed human being. It's a waste of time living a double life, trying to appease every part of me that wants Christmas and things that don't go with Islam.

It's more than that even still. I'm married to a muslim man, my little daughter has muslim parents and I'd rather dedicate my efforts on Eid for her instead of pining for my nostalgic Christmas! My new little family will have Eids and celebrate and I will see the excitement on her little face and remember feeling the same- happily. I can compromise this because I believe I can make Eid special in it's place.

As a Muslim on Christmas I wish those I love a Merry Christmas. Thank you for all of the joy, presents, and love. Thank you for the memories and happiness I got this time of year. Thank you for scrambling to get us presents because you wanted it to be special. I'm not trading it or giving it up in spite of you, I've got a whole new little holiday of my own that I hope to share with you. So, Merry Christmas to those I won't see on Christmas again- I'll see you on Eid and expect the same celebratory cheer and love and acceptance.

Friday 21 December 2012

Saddest day of my life- one year later

Today at 1:21 am 2011, my youngest brother, Richard, passed away at 18 years old. I remember the day like it was yesterday and all of the feelings I had conjure up inside of me with overwhelming sadness and urgency. Today I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I miss my little brother with all of my heart.

It feels like yesterday, yet so much good has happened to me in the year that's passed. I had a baby, my husband and I finally are together, I succeeded in so much and yet that all means so little when I remember this day last year. Life is short, it gets taken away, it's never fair.

When I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter the tragedy struck and I remember feeling like what was the point of bringing life in this world for it to be torn away? I watched my parents know the worst pain in the world as their baby was taken from them, I felt scared, like I was setting myself up for that exact thing.

One year later and I can remember his sound, smell, and presence. He was my little brother after all, and all of his life I was by his side- loving him, caring for him, helping him, teaching him. I was supposed to die first, and I suppose that's the source of my greatest guilt and feelings of betrayal.

As if it could be worse, a week prior to losing my brother I was rushed to the hospital with bleeding, I remember sobbing over my baby, fearing the worst- losing this creation I never got to know. Alhamdulilah she was safe, but I feel like my brother's life was traded and I never felt that was fair. My parents suffered so much, the fear of losing their grandchild and the reality of losing their youngest child. 18 years of love, blood, sweat, and all the hardship that comes with raising a child just to have him pass before your eyes.

Like all before him, and everyone who comes after- he died. He died a hero, he died noble, he died in love, he died with love, he died with his family. That's not something everyone gets at their last moment.

I'm proud of my brother, for everything he was. I love him with all of my soul and I remember the last time he saw me- he was leaving our home- our safe haven. He said he loved me and bye. I'm blessed to have had that moment like so many before, you never know when it's your last. I've replayed that moment over a million times in my head, just waiting for the day he will say "Hello".

You were like a fleeting moment, I mourn your life and having you in mine. I pray to see you again, you're my greatest motivation to see the next life. I want to hold you like I did when we were little, little brother, my biggest hero and loss.

Wednesday 19 December 2012

Hair Regret

Okay, so- maybe 2 months ago I gave myself a bob haircut, you know- under chin, no quite shoulder length. My husband wanted to see me with a new hair style and I was pretty curious, so I dyed my virgin hair that was maybe 4 inches from my tailbone AND took off like ten million inches of beautiful wavy long hair. BIG MISTAKE. I loved my bob for a month, however, now I'm having some serious hair regrets!

First regret was dying. I dyed it honey blond in the summer, maybe 2 months after my daughter was born. It was long and golden. I liked it, but hubby wanted red and red was my favourite on me in the past.

Secondly, the big chop. I think I gave it 48 hours of thought. HOW stupid was I to think I wouldn't regret losing like 22 inches of hair? I had long hair for 5 years *sigh*

Lastly, red. RED. Does it look amazing with my green eyes? Yes. Does my husband love it? Yes! Does it leave a coppery hue under every hair colour henceforth, until chopped? YES. I knew it would happen, I was smart to buy a red auburn- less copper, more brown. Still will have a copper hue. I still have to live with it though.
Ooooh la laa

As of January, my fix will begin. I'm going to grow it out as much as I can this month (it's currently sitting past my collar bone, ugh- this length takes me FOREVER to pass!). Then I'm dying it my original brown colour, trying to take out copper without drying my hair to death. Then I will give myself my LAST trim for the next 6 months. No trims, no bangs, no layers. NOTHING. I will suffer with mid-stage hair un-tampered with until it reaches it's desired length, and I predict that will take 13 - 15 months. Then I'm having another 5 cm trim to get rid of residual dye and damage. During this time I will take vitamins and do olive oil treatments every 2 weeks to help my hair out insha'allah.

It's going to be difficult, but I think by 2015 I will achieve butt-length hair like I always wanted. Maybe the cut gave me a new start, a new chance at nice hair. I hope so...

Saturday 8 December 2012

Saudi update

So things are going well insh'allah.

We went all the way to Ottawa to the Saudi embassy to get papers, hubby had them stamped, we sent them by mail annnnd..
They were lost by Canada post. Isn't that lovely? It defeated the purpose of our trip aside from seeing my brother. Oh well, c'est la vie. Now, nearly 20ish days later, the mail is on it's way to hubby's brother who is kindly settling our affairs for us in Riyadh. Alhamdulilah.

Once the papers get there, from what we've been told, everything gets into full gear and it's all really, really going to happen insh'allah.

My fear? The mail gets lost again, we are used to the ups and downs, failures, defeats of being a long distance type of family. Torn between two countries, two governments, two families. It get's to you! Especially when you're so desperate to have a normal, settled life.
The mail was a familiar defeat, but it worked itself out. I remember when my husband and I wanted to get married, we tried and tried and tried and we even sought a lawyer's help because we wanted to know the best route. After a year and a bit of worrying over what the lawyer told us, we were told by the CDN Gov that we were mislead and it was a common misinterpretation but being married for us was legal. Ugh.

Anyone familiar with Saudi's previous and new laws on foreign marriage knows how confusing that is, as well.

Things are looking good from the inside, though. We received good news from both government and family, so things are better than we thought. It's been so many years of worrying and wondering that now it's in progress we're taking something too seriously? (I hate to say too serious, because it's important, but the way we've always seen it was that it would be extremely difficult and impossible, I'm not so sure why, though laws and situations have changed).

Our apartment in Makkah is finished, I can't wait to have a place to call my own. I'm extremely excited to get in there and start decorating, that's obviously my favorite part. I'm going to take tons of pictures from beginning to end. The only thing that sucks is that my family cannot enter Makkah and they;ll never see it. I guess nothing can ever be perfect though. I'm still going to make it nice, I'm going to be there for a long time insh'allah, so I might as well enjoy my space!

I'm also excited to meet my husband's family face to face after almost 6 years on webcam, do Hajj, eat Saudi food, explore, learn... so much to learn!

Pray for us, hopefully my husband will no longer be so homesick and my daughter will get to meet the rest of her enormous family soon.


Diet weeks 3 and 4

I failed, I succeeded, I have had  really rough time but I want to work on it.

I really don't want to give up but as much of an excuse as this sounds: winter is really getting to me. Food is on sale because of the holidays, I am constantly hungry, I want something warm. Even my daughter is eating more, which obviously takes a toll on me. I really need some more ideas.

I haven't got any tips or recipes because I'm seriously stumped.

I think my goal for this week is going to be meal planning and I'll show you how I'm going to do that when... I do that.

What I plan to achieve by meal planning is to use my new recipes to their full extent and not go downstairs every day and look around for food, which is a set up for disaster. I'll be able to buy what I need and what I want according to whats on the meal plan, which will strictly follow what my allowances are without straying. I will accept maybe 2 desserts a week, and one off day, but nothing more.

I'm  not using a scale, because like I forgot to mention before, I don't want to sabotage myself in the first 4 months of this reform. It takes like a month to break bad habits, then there are cravings which take 'I forget how many days', then life gets in the way so there are failures to account for. In 4 months (3 now) I should have no excuse. I will be used to what I'm eating and not eating. I'm certain at that point I'll have more figured out and I will be able to face hard facts about my weight and how much I lose in the long term.

That doesn't mean I'm not serious, and I'm still on board.


About love

I'm guilty of feeling like the love is gone. It's true. I've been with my husband since 2007, and about 3 years in I woke up one day and I was mad. I felt like he didn't love me, I wasn't getting enough attention, I was mad at our situation and I felt like had I not fallen for my husband I would have ended up in a much easier relationship...

We were just married, the buzz was there. Why was I feeling this way? I still loved him. I don't believe in being out of love- but I felt like there was nothing more I could do! I couldn't love him more, I felt like he didn't love me. That's the difference between out of love and love no more. In my mind the issue was my unyielding love vs. his lack luster love.

Since then it's been back and forth. He loves me, we're happy! He hates me and there is something wrong, we're doomed. I would ask, he would say he loves me and ask me what my problem was and I would break down and cry and get angry about how he doesn't show me love and isn't romantic/supportive. Basic female bull***, I realized when the drama was over. I was ashamed of myself a lot of the time. I'm not going to blame my period, but this thing was like a monthly occurance. I also became very sensitive, when he did something wrong it was the ultimate insult, it showed the major weakness in our love, it showed he didn't truly need me.

Now, I'm not saying he's perfect. He has faults, sometimes he's lacking, sometimes stupid. Me too. I'm not going to up and divorce him, especially if he hasn't: beat me to a pulp, cheated, done something criminal to our family, or lied about an enormous amount of things to some disgusting degree that I don't even know who he is. That's my rule- because the fact is: general unhappiness in marriage from time to time can seem like it happens A LOT, but it DOES happen and it's normal.

I do not believe unhappiness= divorce. I'll tell you why...


  1. The saying that the grass is never greener on the other side is false. I'm not going to lie to you! The grass over there is much greener and if you're a crappy gardener,regardless if you do go over to the other side you're going to muck up that grass as well. It's a simple fact. You may do better the next time, but if you can fix things you should at least try. Don't develop grass envy, pick up the slack. ALL grass is truly greener when you water it, and if you take time to work things out and talk it over things will patch up! I should warn you, though, the work is hard and demanding, and it may take quite a long time, but patience and perseverance is key in love and gardening.  
  2. Things will be okay if you don't lose the loving feeling at the same time. Relationships fail when both parties give up. Just because you're not happy with that person now, doesn't mean that you wont later, and it certainly doesn't mean they will stay happy with you either. Both of you will suffer, sorry! Happiness doesn't last, but love can. Love when you're mad, love when you're crazy mad, love when you're sad, and love when you're happy and you'll come to realize love was never gone! There is a reason that the words 'love' and 'happiness' are not synonymous. (If you think you should be happy constantly forever you need a reality check! A good life doesn't mean a happy life (all the time).)
  3. Unless you've both expressed that you do not want, need, or desire one another on a constant basis- you're fine. This is the 4th reason for divorce and it's not common because it's a genuine dislike for the other person, and to have even cultivated a relationship it the first place is extremely hard. When things get to a point where you resent one another and no long find each other attractive you need to seek help. Strive to find it again and again. If you don't need each other you're in deep trouble. If you have all of these symptoms your relationship might be terminally ill. This does not happen over night, it's deep rooted and probably a result of something wrong from the very beginning. When I'm seething mad at my husband I still know that at the end of the day I respond to his loving touch, I always will. I still know that I need him to be my husband and my daughter's father. I still want a marriage, whether I want to admit it at the time or not. It's when all those things are gone that you might need to question whether there was ever any love at all or just infatuation. What a scary concept.
  4. Mistakes happen, we are human. I can be a jerk, so can my husband. When I decided to marry him I made a conscious decision to deal with that person's crap for as long as I live! Sound crazy? Then maybe marriage isn't for you, because that is reality. (Same goes for children, I'm not joking.) If your partner is constantly making mistakes nonchalantly and doesn't care- you have a problem (or rather, he does) but it can be worked out. I'm not saying that it will be easy at all, it might take years, but if he's still an amazing father and great lover, perhaps he's just stupid and I'm not being funny when I say that! People go through phases in their maturity and behaviors change. Have you ever had a child or pet go through a rebellious stage? Men do that too!  Let me tell you what isn't a mistake: cheating to any degree, rape, murder, and in most cases theft (though I have walked out of a store with things attached to my stroller). I will never tolerate cheating, if you've  cheated and it was some lapse of judgement then it's a moral mistake and you're not who I thought you were- as I see it. That's why it's a basis for divorce. 
Despite all of this do you have enormous fights or a bad temper? Well, even you can still thrive in your relationship.
I fight hard (screaming, crying, things flying and the whole nine yards I'm ashamed to admit), but I make it up with real love that even my oblivious and sometimes idiotic husband can see. At the end of the day I love him- sometimes at the end of the week. Fighting hard, being unhappy- they seem like reasons for divorce and our western culture tells us they are- but it's truly not. It's especially no reason to cheat like some stupid people believe. ( "He cheated because he was in an unhappy place in his marriage my butt")Anything that can be healed over time by love and dedication is nothing divorce worthy.

Then again all this just works for me and is in my opinion! You need to be as hard as a rock to take marriage, as soft as a cushion to forgive in marriage, an like a sponge to take all that love in. Coooorny. 

Le fin.