Finding Peace

I've been angry, maybe too angry.
I'm angry at my family's current situation. I'm angry that we're not comfortable. I'm angry that this is so hard. I'm angry that I'm not as motivated as I should be. I'm angry at things in the past. I'm angry at some people. I'm very angry at some other people who don't even matter. I'm angry at the world I brought my daughter into. I'm angry at all of the stress. I'm angry at myself. I am angry.

And I'm about to let go. 

I need to let go for my own sake, and the sake of my family. I'm not who I used to be, I feel like a monster inside and out these days. I'm feeling depressed and so deep in the hole that I can't climb out and I know it's because of my anger.

Husband and I were talking about finding peace and finally healing after the hardest year we've ever had. Quran, exercise, and sunlight are big things I've somehow lacked in a year. Therapy, finding time for hobbies, and our love are some other things I can easily reach for alhamdulilah.

The thing is: letting go of anger, I now realize, isn't about forgiveness as many will preach. I'm not ready to forgive, I don't feel that noble and some things right now that have been done to me are unforgivable. All I have to do is accept that. it. happened. All of it was unfortunate, it happened. I acknowledge it now. I cried a lot and I even screamed about it and it's not the first time but something was different, and now I feel better. Not fully healed, but better.

For this month I'm working on peace, inner peace. I'm not going to tackle world peace while I hate the world, it's too much on my tiny soul. Once I feel more healed I know I'm going to be more of a wife and mother, and that's all I want. To be a little bit more Bridgette, and a little less Banshee.

1. I'm going to laugh about it all, not wallow. I'm going to throw those who hurt me out of my soul and forget. I have that ability. I am in control. They will be out of my life and out of my mind. And then I'm going to let Allah heal me...
2. I'm going to be spiritual. I'm going to read Quran. I'm going to pray for more, without shame, withholding nothing. I'm a needy slave, and I want and want. My God made me and he knows. I'm going to embrace my fragility and my faults. God has mercy, power, and controls all things. I'm going to ask for a better life and expect it to happen.
3. No more maybe. I will make things happen, believe those helping me and on my side will make things happen, and the things that don't happen are in the wind. I will take it by stride and not worry, for this is my fate and the course of my life. I can do nothing but wait, the worry is making me sick.
4. I'm going to do. Everything and anything I can do to make me and my family better, I'm going to do. No more excuses. 
5. I'm going to say NO and be firm and unafraid. I am an adult, and I am kind. No is not an unkindness. 
6. I'm going to say YES and mean it. I'm going to say yes to those I love when they need to hear it.
7. I'm going to let my husband handle money and shopping and I am going to free myself of the burden for a while.
8. I'm going to hold my child and suck in her sweet baby scent, I'm going to let her long eyelashes brush my lips and I am going to revel in what my love and my God made for me. I am not going to let being a mother make me stressed, I will not let anything distract me from these precious moments with my firstborn.
9. I'm going to tell him he's mine. I'm going to rule his heart, give him mine fully. I'm going to grab him and kiss him whenever and wherever I want. I am going to believe in him. I am going to stop thinking about everything and remember his love above ALL else. I am going to pretend for a while he has no faults. I am going to believe he will never really hurt me on purpose. I'm going to be a good wife to him and never hurt him. I am going to give him more smiles to remember me by. I am going to love.
10. I'm going to miss a lot. I'm going to let myself remember only the good and forget that Richard is dead. I am going to be his big sister and relax. I'm going to throw away the guilt and let the love in because he loved me and it is a shame to forget it.      

I hope this next month is a success and I'm going to try my best for inner peace. Then I'm going spread it.