About love

I'm guilty of feeling like the love is gone. It's true. I've been with my husband since 2007, and about 3 years in I woke up one day and I was mad. I felt like he didn't love me, I wasn't getting enough attention, I was mad at our situation and I felt like had I not fallen for my husband I would have ended up in a much easier relationship...

We were just married, the buzz was there. Why was I feeling this way? I still loved him. I don't believe in being out of love- but I felt like there was nothing more I could do! I couldn't love him more, I felt like he didn't love me. That's the difference between out of love and love no more. In my mind the issue was my unyielding love vs. his lack luster love.

Since then it's been back and forth. He loves me, we're happy! He hates me and there is something wrong, we're doomed. I would ask, he would say he loves me and ask me what my problem was and I would break down and cry and get angry about how he doesn't show me love and isn't romantic/supportive. Basic female bull***, I realized when the drama was over. I was ashamed of myself a lot of the time. I'm not going to blame my period, but this thing was like a monthly occurance. I also became very sensitive, when he did something wrong it was the ultimate insult, it showed the major weakness in our love, it showed he didn't truly need me.

Now, I'm not saying he's perfect. He has faults, sometimes he's lacking, sometimes stupid. Me too. I'm not going to up and divorce him, especially if he hasn't: beat me to a pulp, cheated, done something criminal to our family, or lied about an enormous amount of things to some disgusting degree that I don't even know who he is. That's my rule- because the fact is: general unhappiness in marriage from time to time can seem like it happens A LOT, but it DOES happen and it's normal.

I do not believe unhappiness= divorce. I'll tell you why...

1. The saying that the grass is never greener on the other side is false. I'm not going to lie to you! The grass over there is much greener and if you're a crappy gardener,regardless if you do go over to the other side you're going to muck up that grass as well. It's a simple fact. You may do better the next time, but if you can fix things you should at least try. Don't develop grass envy, pick up the slack. ALL grass is truly greener when you water it, and if you take time to work things out and talk it over things will patch up! I should warn you, though, the work is hard and demanding, and it may take quite a long time, but patience and perseverance is key in love and gardening.  
2. Things will be okay if you don't lose the loving feeling at the same time. Relationships fail when both parties give up. Just because you're not happy with that person now, doesn't mean that you wont later, and it certainly doesn't mean they will stay happy with you either. Both of you will suffer, sorry! Happiness doesn't last, but love can. Love when you're mad, love when you're crazy mad, love when you're sad, and love when you're happy and you'll come to realize love was never gone! There is a reason that the words 'love' and 'happiness' are not synonymous. (If you think you should be happy constantly forever you need a reality check! A good life doesn't mean a happy life (all the time).)
3. Unless you've both expressed that you do not want, need, or desire one another on a constant basis- you're fine. This is the 4th reason for divorce and it's not common because it's a genuine dislike for the other person, and to have even cultivated a relationship it the first place is extremely hard. When things get to a point where you resent one another and no long find each other attractive you need to seek help. Strive to find it again and again. If you don't need each other you're in deep trouble. If you have all of these symptoms your relationship might be terminally ill. This does not happen over night, it's deep rooted and probably a result of something wrong from the very beginning. When I'm seething mad at my husband I still know that at the end of the day I respond to his loving touch, I always will. I still know that I need him to be my husband and my daughter's father. I still want a marriage, whether I want to admit it at the time or not. It's when all those things are gone that you might need to question whether there was ever any love at all or just infatuation. What a scary concept.
4. Mistakes happen, we are human. I can be a jerk, so can my husband. When I decided to marry him I made a conscious decision to deal with that person's crap for as long as I live! Sound crazy? Then maybe marriage isn't for you, because that is reality. (Same goes for children, I'm not joking.) If your partner is constantly making mistakes nonchalantly and doesn't care- you have a problem (or rather, he does) but it can be worked out. I'm not saying that it will be easy at all, it might take years, but if he's still an amazing father and great lover, perhaps he's just stupid and I'm not being funny when I say that! People go through phases in their maturity and behaviors change. Have you ever had a child or pet go through a rebellious stage? Men do that too!  Let me tell you what isn't a mistake: cheating to any degree, rape, murder, and in most cases theft (though I have walked out of a store with things attached to my stroller). I will never tolerate cheating, if you've  cheated and it was some lapse of judgement then it's a moral mistake and you're not who I thought you were- as I see it. That's why it's a basis for divorce. 

Despite all of this do you have enormous fights or a bad temper? Well, even you can still thrive in your relationship.

I fight hard (screaming, crying, things flying and the whole nine yards I'm ashamed to admit), but I make it up with real love that even my oblivious and sometimes idiotic husband can see. At the end of the day I love him- sometimes at the end of the week. Fighting hard, being unhappy- they seem like reasons for divorce and our western culture tells us they are- but it's truly not. It's especially no reason to cheat like some stupid people believe. ( "He cheated because he was in an unhappy place in his marriage my butt")Anything that can be healed over time by love and dedication is nothing divorce worthy.

Then again all this just works for me and is in my opinion! You need to be as hard as a rock to take marriage, as soft as a cushion to forgive in marriage, an like a sponge to take all that love in. Coooorny. 

Le fin.