Another year

Happy New Year to everyone! I'm optimistic for this next year and it can only get better!
I've had hard years, sad years, strange years, happy years. This year was a bit of everything.

2012 was special because:

• I introduced my little girl, Eliana, into the world. New Years last year I was pregnant and I was so over 2011 and all of the bad things in it- but I knew 2012 was special because my little beauty would be here. I'll never forget 2012 for that reason.
• My husband has been living with me 9 months now, without being separated or having to travel! That's something we've wanted since 2007.
• I learned 934759879 recipes which I love.
• I lost and gained some family, as well as got to spend precious time with my parents and brother.
• Aside from my best friend being across the country, I've seen her and missed her in 2012 and I'm grateful. 

Who knows what 2013 will bring, whether it's (and we surely hope it is) travel to Saudi, or another baby, or school, or reaching my goal weight- I'm excited, and nervous because I know what a whole year can bring. 

Here's to wishing everyone an amazing year to LIVE. 

Finding Peace

I've been angry, maybe too angry.
I'm angry at my family's current situation. I'm angry that we're not comfortable. I'm angry that this is so hard. I'm angry that I'm not as motivated as I should be. I'm angry at things in the past. I'm angry at some people. I'm very angry at some other people who don't even matter. I'm angry at the world I brought my daughter into. I'm angry at all of the stress. I'm angry at myself. I am angry.

And I'm about to let go. 

I need to let go for my own sake, and the sake of my family. I'm not who I used to be, I feel like a monster inside and out these days. I'm feeling depressed and so deep in the hole that I can't climb out and I know it's because of my anger.

Husband and I were talking about finding peace and finally healing after the hardest year we've ever had. Quran, exercise, and sunlight are big things I've somehow lacked in a year. Therapy, finding time for hobbies, and our love are some other things I can easily reach for alhamdulilah.

The thing is: letting go of anger, I now realize, isn't about forgiveness as many will preach. I'm not ready to forgive, I don't feel that noble and some things right now that have been done to me are unforgivable. All I have to do is accept that. it. happened. All of it was unfortunate, it happened. I acknowledge it now. I cried a lot and I even screamed about it and it's not the first time but something was different, and now I feel better. Not fully healed, but better.

For this month I'm working on peace, inner peace. I'm not going to tackle world peace while I hate the world, it's too much on my tiny soul. Once I feel more healed I know I'm going to be more of a wife and mother, and that's all I want. To be a little bit more Bridgette, and a little less Banshee.

1. I'm going to laugh about it all, not wallow. I'm going to throw those who hurt me out of my soul and forget. I have that ability. I am in control. They will be out of my life and out of my mind. And then I'm going to let Allah heal me...
2. I'm going to be spiritual. I'm going to read Quran. I'm going to pray for more, without shame, withholding nothing. I'm a needy slave, and I want and want. My God made me and he knows. I'm going to embrace my fragility and my faults. God has mercy, power, and controls all things. I'm going to ask for a better life and expect it to happen.
3. No more maybe. I will make things happen, believe those helping me and on my side will make things happen, and the things that don't happen are in the wind. I will take it by stride and not worry, for this is my fate and the course of my life. I can do nothing but wait, the worry is making me sick.
4. I'm going to do. Everything and anything I can do to make me and my family better, I'm going to do. No more excuses. 
5. I'm going to say NO and be firm and unafraid. I am an adult, and I am kind. No is not an unkindness. 
6. I'm going to say YES and mean it. I'm going to say yes to those I love when they need to hear it.
7. I'm going to let my husband handle money and shopping and I am going to free myself of the burden for a while.
8. I'm going to hold my child and suck in her sweet baby scent, I'm going to let her long eyelashes brush my lips and I am going to revel in what my love and my God made for me. I am not going to let being a mother make me stressed, I will not let anything distract me from these precious moments with my firstborn.
9. I'm going to tell him he's mine. I'm going to rule his heart, give him mine fully. I'm going to grab him and kiss him whenever and wherever I want. I am going to believe in him. I am going to stop thinking about everything and remember his love above ALL else. I am going to pretend for a while he has no faults. I am going to believe he will never really hurt me on purpose. I'm going to be a good wife to him and never hurt him. I am going to give him more smiles to remember me by. I am going to love.
10. I'm going to miss a lot. I'm going to let myself remember only the good and forget that Richard is dead. I am going to be his big sister and relax. I'm going to throw away the guilt and let the love in because he loved me and it is a shame to forget it.      

I hope this next month is a success and I'm going to try my best for inner peace. Then I'm going spread it.
   
         

New Home, New Style!

I can't for the life of me decide what I want the apartment to be like. I'm lucky to have a fairly liberal husband  who likes my handy-work and we communicate often about what we like/don't like. From what I know, there is very little we despise in terms of style- we've had the utmost classic style with heavy wood and rich colours to earthy tones with an eclectic artisan style. One thing we've never tried which I sometimes love/sometimes loathe, is the contemporary and modern.

Our bedroom 2007-2010

We both agree that having a straight forward idea of what we want our next place to be like is really important- especially because our home will be more permanent than the others we've been in the last 10 years for the both of us. Having an idea will not only save us money when we shop but it will help us get organized, make ideas, and customize to our needs with a baby.

Also, different styles mean a big difference in money. You can obviously break the bank when decorating despite your style, but contemporary is cheaper than artisan, which is cheaper than 'rich' and Elaborate. Classic decor is versatile in the sense that it varies along the spectrum without losing quality.

Love these bright colours!

I don't like that contemporary can look industrial and cold, yet I've seen it look so clean and organized that it's function just fits a busy mom's lifestyle. My husband likes it and it's very popular among his cousins right now. Places like Ikea sell great quality stuff for cheap and most of it is Stockholm modern rather than classic or anything else which makes contemporary so easy to come by- you can also find knock-off of high end stuff for dirt cheap. A friend warned me though- contemporary can be expensive when you go brand name, expensive for a cheap plastic product doesn't allure me. I'd rather pay the true price like anyone.

This is so clean and fun.

I love the mix of dark and light

With a baby we really have to take into consideration her mobility and comfort, babies need light and colour in their lives and in my experience 'heavy' dark wood and draperies aren't conducive to that (even though it's so royal and my absolute favourite). I've seen modern designs which are so baby safe it's silly, and it's so easy to avoid dangerous furniture (namely coffee tables) with combination units and innovative ideas that compact space.

I love the periwinkle in the bathroom, serene

I really find this comfortable

I can't even settle on a colour scheme I like, but hubby really likes red and white. It reminds me of the Canadian flag way too much, I love my country, but I'm not a fan!

Gorgeous and organized 

Muslims on Xmas

I'm a convert, I'm sure you know that if you've been reading my blog. I converted almost 4 and a 1/2 years ago and it's been a tough transition. I love Islam, I think, like most converts, there is this honeymoon period where everything seems easy and you're oh-so willing to comply, and a rebellious stage, followed by a lack luster love affair with your life, and slowly but surely, guilt because you want to be your best. I did make the decision after all, and it was mine.

It's been hard because unless you're completely excommunicated from family and old friends you're going to have a connection to your past and your culture, habits, and quirks. That's not a bad thing, I think it's humbling and brings me back to earth. However, a lot of converts do go 'Super Muslim' and ditch everything they every knew- names, talents, style, friends, and sometimes family. Sometimes it's good, but often it's a struggle and backfires because inherently you are you.

Change must be made though. You can't take on religion and not offer a HUGE chunk of your life. But do realize: it's betterment of self, and that can only be good for you.

My family is not religious by any means of the word, that doesn't mean we didn't have Christmas. It was a holiday for presents, family, and food. We celebrated because we're Canadian.

I'm a proud Canadian and I love where I came and since becoming Muslim I have participated in Christmas to some extent. I do visit my family, cook a large dinner (I live with them and I wont ignore the fact that they are celebrating), and I do wish them a Merry Christmas- because I truly and sincerely wish they have a 'Merry Holiday', just like I'd wish a happy Kwanzaa. A few years ago I stopped giving presents, though, one year I gave belated Eid presents on Christmas because the time was right and I saw family. I accept presents, but those I give Eid gifts to accept them as well.

I think a lot of muslims who convert are caught in this weird middle ground where they're always going to have to participate to some extent, and a lot of them do it for the sake of 'their culture'. "I'm Canadian, and for that reason I have removed Jesus from Christmas and I celebrate for nostalgic reasons." or "Eid isn't Christmas, it's not the same, it does not fill the void." All of these things I understand. I don't judge. It's hard to lose that part of your culture.

But, more than I like my culture or value my 'self' and who I am I value honesty. I know who I am and who I was, but who have I become? Isn't that the real question? I like to represent what I believe by my choices and what I decide to do, and if I didn't think I could give up a christian-pagan holiday for Eid- practically an Islamic mega-holiday like Christmas, why would I convert? I am not saying I am wholeheartedly the ideal picture of a muslim, doing everything I can or should, but giving up a holiday for me is one of the little things in the grand scheme of my religious obligation in my honest opinion.

In my mind honesty is being true to what you have decided to dedicate your time. Accepting religion is an obligation, and a promise. So is marriage, and parenting, health and earth consciousness  and being an informed human being. It's a waste of time living a double life, trying to appease every part of me that wants Christmas and things that don't go with Islam.

It's more than that even still. I'm married to a muslim man, my little daughter has muslim parents and I'd rather dedicate my efforts on Eid for her instead of pining for my nostalgic Christmas! My new little family will have Eids and celebrate and I will see the excitement on her little face and remember feeling the same- happily. I can compromise this because I believe I can make Eid special in it's place.

As a Muslim on Christmas I wish those I love a Merry Christmas. Thank you for all of the joy, presents, and love. Thank you for the memories and happiness I got this time of year. Thank you for scrambling to get us presents because you wanted it to be special. I'm not trading it or giving it up in spite of you, I've got a whole new little holiday of my own that I hope to share with you. So, Merry Christmas to those I won't see on Christmas again- I'll see you on Eid and expect the same celebratory cheer and love and acceptance.

Saddest day of my life- one year later

Today at 1:21 am 2011, my youngest brother, Richard, passed away at 18 years old. I remember the day like it was yesterday and all of the feelings I had conjure up inside of me with overwhelming sadness and urgency. Today I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel helpless. I miss my little brother with all of my heart.

It feels like yesterday, yet so much good has happened to me in the year that's passed. I had a baby, my husband and I finally are together, I succeeded in so much and yet that all means so little when I remember this day last year. Life is short, it gets taken away, it's never fair.

When I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter the tragedy struck and I remember feeling like what was the point of bringing life in this world for it to be torn away? I watched my parents know the worst pain in the world as their baby was taken from them, I felt scared, like I was setting myself up for that exact thing.

One year later and I can remember his sound, smell, and presence. He was my little brother after all, and all of his life I was by his side- loving him, caring for him, helping him, teaching him. I was supposed to die first, and I suppose that's the source of my greatest guilt and feelings of betrayal.

As if it could be worse, a week prior to losing my brother I was rushed to the hospital with bleeding, I remember sobbing over my baby, fearing the worst- losing this creation I never got to know. Alhamdulilah she was safe, but I feel like my brother's life was traded and I never felt that was fair. My parents suffered so much, the fear of losing their grandchild and the reality of losing their youngest child. 18 years of love, blood, sweat, and all the hardship that comes with raising a child just to have him pass before your eyes.

Like all before him, and everyone who comes after- he died. He died a hero, he died noble, he died in love, he died with love, he died with his family. That's not something everyone gets at their last moment.

I'm proud of my brother, for everything he was. I love him with all of my soul and I remember the last time he saw me- he was leaving our home- our safe haven. He said he loved me and bye. I'm blessed to have had that moment like so many before, you never know when it's your last. I've replayed that moment over a million times in my head, just waiting for the day he will say "Hello".

You were like a fleeting moment, I mourn your life and having you in mine. I pray to see you again, you're my greatest motivation to see the next life. I want to hold you like I did when we were little, little brother, my biggest hero and loss.

Hair Regret

Okay, so- maybe 2 months ago I gave myself a bob haircut, you know- under chin, no quite shoulder length. My husband wanted to see me with a new hair style and I was pretty curious, so I dyed my virgin hair that was maybe 4 inches from my tailbone AND took off like ten million inches of beautiful wavy long hair. BIG MISTAKE. I loved my bob for a month, however, now I'm having some serious hair regrets!

First regret was dying. I dyed it honey blond in the summer, maybe 2 months after my daughter was born. It was long and golden. I liked it, but hubby wanted red and red was my favourite on me in the past.

Secondly, the big chop. I think I gave it 48 hours of thought. HOW stupid was I to think I wouldn't regret losing like 22 inches of hair? I had long hair for 5 years *sigh*

Lastly, red. RED. Does it look amazing with my green eyes? Yes. Does my husband love it? Yes! Does it leave a coppery hue under every hair colour henceforth, until chopped? YES. I knew it would happen, I was smart to buy a red auburn- less copper, more brown. Still will have a copper hue. I still have to live with it though.

Ooooh la laa

As of January, my fix will begin. I'm going to grow it out as much as I can this month (it's currently sitting past my collar bone, ugh- this length takes me FOREVER to pass!). Then I'm dying it my original brown colour, trying to take out copper without drying my hair to death. Then I will give myself my LAST trim for the next 6 months. No trims, no bangs, no layers. NOTHING. I will suffer with mid-stage hair un-tampered with until it reaches it's desired length, and I predict that will take 13 - 15 months. Then I'm having another 5 cm trim to get rid of residual dye and damage. During this time I will take vitamins and do olive oil treatments every 2 weeks to help my hair out insha'allah.

It's going to be difficult, but I think by 2015 I will achieve butt-length hair like I always wanted. Maybe the cut gave me a new start, a new chance at nice hair. I hope so...

Saudi update

So things are going well insh'allah.

We went all the way to Ottawa to the Saudi embassy to get papers, hubby had them stamped, we sent them by mail annnnd..
They were lost by Canada post. Isn't that lovely? It defeated the purpose of our trip aside from seeing my brother. Oh well, c'est la vie. Now, nearly 20ish days later, the mail is on it's way to hubby's brother who is kindly settling our affairs for us in Riyadh. Alhamdulilah.

Once the papers get there, from what we've been told, everything gets into full gear and it's all really, really going to happen insh'allah.

My fear? The mail gets lost again, we are used to the ups and downs, failures, defeats of being a long distance type of family. Torn between two countries, two governments, two families. It get's to you! Especially when you're so desperate to have a normal, settled life.
The mail was a familiar defeat, but it worked itself out. I remember when my husband and I wanted to get married, we tried and tried and tried and we even sought a lawyer's help because we wanted to know the best route. After a year and a bit of worrying over what the lawyer told us, we were told by the CDN Gov that we were mislead and it was a common misinterpretation but being married for us was legal. Ugh.

Anyone familiar with Saudi's previous and new laws on foreign marriage knows how confusing that is, as well.

Things are looking good from the inside, though. We received good news from both government and family, so things are better than we thought. It's been so many years of worrying and wondering that now it's in progress we're taking something too seriously? (I hate to say too serious, because it's important, but the way we've always seen it was that it would be extremely difficult and impossible, I'm not so sure why, though laws and situations have changed).

Our apartment in Makkah is finished, I can't wait to have a place to call my own. I'm extremely excited to get in there and start decorating, that's obviously my favorite part. I'm going to take tons of pictures from beginning to end. The only thing that sucks is that my family cannot enter Makkah and they;ll never see it. I guess nothing can ever be perfect though. I'm still going to make it nice, I'm going to be there for a long time insh'allah, so I might as well enjoy my space!

I'm also excited to meet my husband's family face to face after almost 6 years on webcam, do Hajj, eat Saudi food, explore, learn... so much to learn!

Pray for us, hopefully my husband will no longer be so homesick and my daughter will get to meet the rest of her enormous family soon.

Diet weeks 3 and 4

I failed, I succeeded, I have had  really rough time but I want to work on it.

I really don't want to give up but as much of an excuse as this sounds: winter is really getting to me. Food is on sale because of the holidays, I am constantly hungry, I want something warm. Even my daughter is eating more, which obviously takes a toll on me. I really need some more ideas.

I haven't got any tips or recipes because I'm seriously stumped.

I think my goal for this week is going to be meal planning and I'll show you how I'm going to do that when... I do that.

What I plan to achieve by meal planning is to use my new recipes to their full extent and not go downstairs every day and look around for food, which is a set up for disaster. I'll be able to buy what I need and what I want according to whats on the meal plan, which will strictly follow what my allowances are without straying. I will accept maybe 2 desserts a week, and one off day, but nothing more.

I'm  not using a scale, because like I forgot to mention before, I don't want to sabotage myself in the first 4 months of this reform. It takes like a month to break bad habits, then there are cravings which take 'I forget how many days', then life gets in the way so there are failures to account for. In 4 months (3 now) I should have no excuse. I will be used to what I'm eating and not eating. I'm certain at that point I'll have more figured out and I will be able to face hard facts about my weight and how much I lose in the long term.

That doesn't mean I'm not serious, and I'm still on board.

About love

I'm guilty of feeling like the love is gone. It's true. I've been with my husband since 2007, and about 3 years in I woke up one day and I was mad. I felt like he didn't love me, I wasn't getting enough attention, I was mad at our situation and I felt like had I not fallen for my husband I would have ended up in a much easier relationship...

We were just married, the buzz was there. Why was I feeling this way? I still loved him. I don't believe in being out of love- but I felt like there was nothing more I could do! I couldn't love him more, I felt like he didn't love me. That's the difference between out of love and love no more. In my mind the issue was my unyielding love vs. his lack luster love.

Since then it's been back and forth. He loves me, we're happy! He hates me and there is something wrong, we're doomed. I would ask, he would say he loves me and ask me what my problem was and I would break down and cry and get angry about how he doesn't show me love and isn't romantic/supportive. Basic female bull***, I realized when the drama was over. I was ashamed of myself a lot of the time. I'm not going to blame my period, but this thing was like a monthly occurance. I also became very sensitive, when he did something wrong it was the ultimate insult, it showed the major weakness in our love, it showed he didn't truly need me.

Now, I'm not saying he's perfect. He has faults, sometimes he's lacking, sometimes stupid. Me too. I'm not going to up and divorce him, especially if he hasn't: beat me to a pulp, cheated, done something criminal to our family, or lied about an enormous amount of things to some disgusting degree that I don't even know who he is. That's my rule- because the fact is: general unhappiness in marriage from time to time can seem like it happens A LOT, but it DOES happen and it's normal.

I do not believe unhappiness= divorce. I'll tell you why...

1. The saying that the grass is never greener on the other side is false. I'm not going to lie to you! The grass over there is much greener and if you're a crappy gardener,regardless if you do go over to the other side you're going to muck up that grass as well. It's a simple fact. You may do better the next time, but if you can fix things you should at least try. Don't develop grass envy, pick up the slack. ALL grass is truly greener when you water it, and if you take time to work things out and talk it over things will patch up! I should warn you, though, the work is hard and demanding, and it may take quite a long time, but patience and perseverance is key in love and gardening.  
2. Things will be okay if you don't lose the loving feeling at the same time. Relationships fail when both parties give up. Just because you're not happy with that person now, doesn't mean that you wont later, and it certainly doesn't mean they will stay happy with you either. Both of you will suffer, sorry! Happiness doesn't last, but love can. Love when you're mad, love when you're crazy mad, love when you're sad, and love when you're happy and you'll come to realize love was never gone! There is a reason that the words 'love' and 'happiness' are not synonymous. (If you think you should be happy constantly forever you need a reality check! A good life doesn't mean a happy life (all the time).)
3. Unless you've both expressed that you do not want, need, or desire one another on a constant basis- you're fine. This is the 4th reason for divorce and it's not common because it's a genuine dislike for the other person, and to have even cultivated a relationship it the first place is extremely hard. When things get to a point where you resent one another and no long find each other attractive you need to seek help. Strive to find it again and again. If you don't need each other you're in deep trouble. If you have all of these symptoms your relationship might be terminally ill. This does not happen over night, it's deep rooted and probably a result of something wrong from the very beginning. When I'm seething mad at my husband I still know that at the end of the day I respond to his loving touch, I always will. I still know that I need him to be my husband and my daughter's father. I still want a marriage, whether I want to admit it at the time or not. It's when all those things are gone that you might need to question whether there was ever any love at all or just infatuation. What a scary concept.
4. Mistakes happen, we are human. I can be a jerk, so can my husband. When I decided to marry him I made a conscious decision to deal with that person's crap for as long as I live! Sound crazy? Then maybe marriage isn't for you, because that is reality. (Same goes for children, I'm not joking.) If your partner is constantly making mistakes nonchalantly and doesn't care- you have a problem (or rather, he does) but it can be worked out. I'm not saying that it will be easy at all, it might take years, but if he's still an amazing father and great lover, perhaps he's just stupid and I'm not being funny when I say that! People go through phases in their maturity and behaviors change. Have you ever had a child or pet go through a rebellious stage? Men do that too!  Let me tell you what isn't a mistake: cheating to any degree, rape, murder, and in most cases theft (though I have walked out of a store with things attached to my stroller). I will never tolerate cheating, if you've  cheated and it was some lapse of judgement then it's a moral mistake and you're not who I thought you were- as I see it. That's why it's a basis for divorce. 

Despite all of this do you have enormous fights or a bad temper? Well, even you can still thrive in your relationship.

I fight hard (screaming, crying, things flying and the whole nine yards I'm ashamed to admit), but I make it up with real love that even my oblivious and sometimes idiotic husband can see. At the end of the day I love him- sometimes at the end of the week. Fighting hard, being unhappy- they seem like reasons for divorce and our western culture tells us they are- but it's truly not. It's especially no reason to cheat like some stupid people believe. ( "He cheated because he was in an unhappy place in his marriage my butt")Anything that can be healed over time by love and dedication is nothing divorce worthy.

Then again all this just works for me and is in my opinion! You need to be as hard as a rock to take marriage, as soft as a cushion to forgive in marriage, an like a sponge to take all that love in. Coooorny. 

Le fin.

Diet Week 2

Okay, this whole Sunday thing has gone down the toilet! Either way, little bro's house doesn't have internet and despite my 2 hour stay at Starbucks to use their internet (I KNOW I'm not the only one who does that!) I had a baby asleep on one of my arms and it seriously stunted my typing flow.

My vacation went well, I went off track just barely- had pizza the night we got there after I cleaned his house, had a milkshake for dessert on Saturday, and pumpkin pie on Sunday. I over ate a little, I walked a lot- I still don't think it equaled out so I need to be a bit more strict with this.

I had some great food, I have a new appreciation for sandwiches. They are SO portable, easy to eat with a baby, filling, and best of all you can make them packed full of nutrients and still very healthy.

Overall I had a great time, I didn't do too badly. I really missed my brother and it was nice to catch up.

No recipe, I cooked the usual for my brother. I have a tip though...

Tip:
Use cream cheese instead of mayo, dressing, or butter on your sandwich. Surprisingly enough I did not miss anything about my sandwich because the creamy cheese pulled everything all together very easily. Typically I use one triangle of cow cheese on my sandwich and it covers the whole thing without going overboard on my cheese portion, cheese slices off the brick are an invitation for me to get crazaaay sometimes.

Ottawa!

I'm on the train right now with my little family, we're travelling to the Saudi Embassy- 5 hours away. It doesn't hurt my brother lives there now, I'm so excited to see him. I love Ottawa, next to Chicago, it's probably my favourite city. It's got the European allure, yet pleasantly Canadian, cleaner than any city I've ever been. Had we decided to stay here, it's where we would live.

I can wait to eat delicious food- Ottawa is known for it's amazing and diverse cuisine and I think the best shwarama in Canada is there. My brother works at this burger place everyone talks about, organic meat and innovative menu. This new diet really is just an excuse to find love in food again, renew my relationship with it and try new thing I don't feel like s*** for eating! So, equipped with a slightly older baby, a husband on a mission, a new appreciation for food, a beautiful winter coat, and love for my bro, I expect to have a great time inshallah.

What I just ate:
Chicken Sandwich- chicken, lettuce, cow cheese, 100 calorie Bun- ancient grain variety, Water, some Tortilla chips plain.

Diet week 1

Not a good start in terms of a blog update, I said Sunday and here I am updating on Wednesday. The diet itself is going very well, week one was about food discovery. I didn't count calories as much as I looked at how many were in each food, at the end of the day I didn't tally, but by doing that I was able to cut down and still eat what I want in good proportion. I think that's why this week was so successful  aside from having a lovely and encouraging husband by my side!

The favourite recipe this week is a toss up, essentially the meals are the same but different flavors  I truly don't know what one I enjoyed, my two favourite meals were adapted so it was hard to decide. I love duck, especially duck in mandarin pancakes, so one lettuce wrap was asian flavoured. The next was lettuce tacos, crispy iceburg lettuce was used as a shell and provided the same crunch with less of the fullness you get from taco shells. I really enjoyed eating what I love and making it healthy, it was a delicious guilt free week.

I knew I was going to love the Lettuce Tacos but the Asian Wraps were a huge surprise and went way above my expectations. I ate a ton and only ate roughly 300 cal. These things are a huge deal right now, most asian joints will have them- though homemade is always better!

Asian Lettuce Wraps

1 head iceburg lettuce, pulled apart with leaves intact
2 cups shredded cabbage
1/2 cup carrot shredded
5 green onions 2 chopped and 3 sliced long
2 lbs ground chicken or turkey
1/2 cup peanuts chopped
1/2 cup chow mein noodles, uncooked
1/2 hoisin sauce
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup sesame oil

Brown off your meat until its cooked through and add cabbage, add 1/4 cup of your carrot, green onions chopped. Let cook for 3-5 minutes. In a bowl add 3 tbs hoisin, half the soy sauce, 1/4 cup water, and half the sesame oil- add this mixture to your meat and let simmer on low until dinner. Arrange peanuts, carrot, onions, chow mein, and leaves on a plate. In a bowl add hoisin, soy, and sesame oil and use as a dressing for the wraps. Assemble and eat. Enjoy.

Anxiety!

Anxiety is the worst, especially when your life has no room for it. I should be enjoying my husband and baby, not worrying about the outcome of my brother in laws first visit to the ministry in Saudi. We've got to get this started if we're ever going to be there, so it starts today.

Ya Allah, pleaaaase let this happen. Let's get started at least!

Pray for us, wish us luck, anything you can give. I hope they don't give my BIL the 'they were wrong' spiel.
I just want my husband to be happy and my MIL and FIL to meet their granddaughter.

Update soon.

Diet. Die it.

I'm never fad dieting again. I had tried it a couple of years back and it left me moody and deprived. I felt like I had no control over what I got to do, mostly because what I do is usually food related!
I find it pretty funny that I posted a recipe and then a post on dieting. I don't know what it is about food guilt, but it's a sonofa.
I had a baby 5 months ago, I lost the baby weight and magically I've gained 10 lbs since a month postpartum. Thats 2.5 lbs a month, and that's a mean realization. 10 lbs? I don't see a reason for this, unless I'm pregnant again and I just don't know it- as unlikely as that is. I only gained 26 lbs with Eliana, so 10 lbs is kind of frightening!

I'm going to set some goals and every Sunday mark my progress.

1. One cup of juice, one cup of milk, the rest is water. I drink far too much juice, it's empty calories, tons of sugar, and my affinity for chocolate milk has gotten out of hand. 
2. One treat a day. I'm seriously snacking on something every couple of hours- and none of it is really healthy. If I have dessert, I had it. No midnight snacks, movie snacks, afternoon snacks.
3. Honey, not sugar. Tea with honey.
4. Less bread, preferably 2 pieces a day and no more. I eat a lot of bread for breakfast/lunch.
5. No CANDY. Baked goods, fine, candy is too much.
6. Walk/clean/work out daily. One out of three. And by cleaning I mean cleaning. 
7. One serving at meal time, make a plate and eat it. No more eating out of serving dishes on the table unless someone is over and I'm making a presentation.
8. We've been awesome with our greens lately, eating them almost every meal sans breakfast. I need to eat more fruit.
9. Two water bottles of water a day- I have a tall pink bottle that is 24 ounces. For the last week I've had 2 bottles of water and I've seen an improvement on my skin.
10. Decent lunch, small dinner twice a week. We like big dinners here, but for digestions sake we'll mix it up.
11. Biggest meal is breakfast. When I ate a hardy breakfast my milk was better, I felt better, I didn't have the urge to nap all day either.
12. 1-2 meals a week without beef or chicken. We very rarely eat beef, so to save money and help me introduce new protein I've decided to take meat out of my diet twice a week. 
13. Drink at least 4 ounces before a meal- drink when hungry. 

So, that's that. Here is my new and improved lifestyle, inshallah. I'm seriously hoping to stick to it and lose weight within the next six months. Let's say, by my daughter's first birthday I'd like to have lost 25 lbs. That's like 7 months, so it seems fair. If I lose more I'll be so happy. If I just make myself healthier, I'll still be happy. 

I'd like to lose weight before Eliana is 1 because my husband and I decided to try for another at that time, and I'd hate to be overweight and pregnant. I had lost 15 lbs when I got pregnant with Eliana so I'd like to do the same for the next one if I can. 

The Bakewell Tart!

I love this tart, it's sweet and nutty, perfect for fall.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and make a simple pie crust (or buy one), I found and use several from google, I don't use just one (mainly because I'm trying to find the best one). You need to blind bake this crust and let it cool before putting the frangipan inside, blind bake for 10 minutes.

Don't ask me the definition of frangipan because all I really know is how to make it! I love it because the texture is so nice, not something creamy or fruity like you'd usually find in a pie. Reminds me of marzipan for obvious reasons.

The recipe:
1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup almonds- ground
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup jam, traditionally raspberry (optional)- we used nutella once!
2 eggs
2 tbs flour
2 tbs brown sugar
powdered sugar for sprinkling
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond extract
a handful of flaked almonds for the top

Cream butter, sugar, vanilla and almond extract in a bowl. Mix in the eggs one at a time and then add your flour and almonds ground. Whip it well. Spread jam on the bottom of the baked pie shell, fill with frangipan. Bake 25 minutes and then add almonds and brown sugar- making sure the brown sugar is evenly and finely covering the top. Bake an additional 10 minutes, check, additional 5- 10 minutes if necessary. When cooled sprinkle powdered sugar on top.

Uh Oh. Trouble at home!

The husband is NOT happy today. 

:(

Sleeping with Bibi

My daughter loves this toy, it's a chicken made by Mama's and Papa's. It jingles, it's got teething loops, grips, a mirror. It's also disgusting and terribly dirty. I don't honestly know how to wash it! It collects fur/hair like crazy, it just absorbs all of her drool. I tried blasting it with the jet on our shower, it took a day to dry and within the next 48 hours it looked worse.

It's been a disaster. Anything that preoccupies my daughter is a friend of mine, all except Bibi. She loves it, in terms of use it's the best 15$ I've ever spent. As for hassle and worry, it's a 10. I'm so worried she's going to end up with a major case of thrush or get sick, I have thought of putting it in the washing mashing but I'm afraid of what the detergent would do to it (and baby). Any ideas on how I could  clean it.

I mean, it's become a part of every day life: I see my daughter- I see Bibi. I lay my head to rest at night- Bibi.  Last night my husband and I tried to pry it from her hands, as soon as she realized Bibi was missing all hell broke loose. She hasn't woken up crying like that since her first tooth broke through! As soon as we gave it back she slept, peacefully. I thought this kind of thing didn't happen until kids were like 2ish?

 She's never stayed in the stroller as long as she has with Bibi...

 She takes her agression out on Bibi...

At the end of the day she still loves Bibi. It's complicated...

Eliana

"And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm tree. She said, "Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten." 19:23

When Lovey and I got pregnant we were over the moon. We had a strange feeling that something was about to happen, and after 3 months, we were pregnant. Nothing brightened my life as much as knowing the greatest symbol of our love dwelled inside of me, growing, thriving. 

I planned, I educated myself and packed information into my brain like never before. I readied myself and when we found out she was a girl I began to wonder how she looked and how I would love her: my own little girl. My legacy. I loved feeling her kick me, it made my heart flutter, and when I heard her heartbeat it was like a dance of love only for me. 

I knew we were close, this little thing and I. She was, after all, the only person who heard my heartbeat from the inside. I talked to her and read to her, I washed all of her clothes and sang her songs. Her father returned to us when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and we waited for her to come.

We waited a week...
and another.
A month.

I was anxious at this point, my midwife had me at the hospital every day for monitoring. I refused an induction until the last moment, I wanted her to be safely growing within me as long as she wanted. Every day the hospital sent me home, "She's quite comfortable." I knew she was. 

Alas a time came where the midwife advised I get induced, that progress was slow and that she couldn't stay there for much longer because she was growing still and she wouldn't receive the sustenance she needed any longer. My husband and I agreed and it was scheduled for Thursday.

Well, Wednesday Lovey and I went out, we talked like old friends, we enjoyed each other, went home and got into bed. I mourned because my pregnancy was at an end and I didn't get to sleep until 2 in the morning. Come 4 am Thursday, I woke up with cramps. It picked up within an hour and contractions were 9 minutes apart. By 10 am I was sure I was in labor (I don't really see how anyone can mistake pains like that!) I called the midwife and she came to our house. The midwife checked me. Things were well, I was far from ready though.

We continued to prepare for our unmedicated homebirth, by 8 at night the pain was so bad I was sobbing, I didn't want anyone to touch me. I had never felt like that before, I was exhausted. I prayed that it would be over soon, though I dreaded the idea of having to push because I was so tired. By 1 am I was still in labour, I was falling asleep between contractions, it terrified Lovey- I was screaming one minute, sleeping the next. My contractions were a minute and a half apart but I was still only at 4 cm. By 4 am the midwife looked me in the eye and told me there was something wrong and we should go to the hospital. I was so tired, in so much pain. I nodded and we were on our way. I don't remember getting to the hospital or being admitted. 

It was at 5:00 am I was given an epidural, I couldn't sleep, I was writhing in pain- too tired to cry. I was cold, my hands were numb from gripping things. I had to sleep, I had been awake at this point for 25 hours and a c-section was likely due to exhaustion. They gave me pitocin, the one thing I tried to avoid. I felt like a failure.

They had completely phased out the epidural as I requested and I began to feel the contractions again, the pain was terrible but it was manageable now that I had energy and excitement to keep me going. At 12:15 I started pushing, pushing was immediate relief to the contractions. At 2 pm my daughter had turned, we didn't even know she was posterior (facing upwards, not downwards, which makes delivery extremely difficult and opening of the cervix sometime impossible), and she was delivered within 5 minutes of that. 

The moment I saw her I looked at Lovey, he looked the happiest I had ever seen him. I could feel Eliana cry and suck in deep breaths of air for the first time. She wriggled in my arms and squirmed at my breast, I fed her and felt a rush of emotion come from me. This was the moment I had waited for. I was in labor for 34 hours and it was forgotten in 3 seconds after holding her the first time. She was born late and weighed in at 9.5 lbs, she had a full head of black curly hair and had her fathers toes.

5 months later and I am so in love. She's everything I ever wanted, funny, adorable, healthy, smart. I can't imagine my life without her. She's growing so fast, she's learning so much. 

Every pain I felt with her was worth it, yet forgotten in the love I feel now.

“And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.” 13:14

Controversial Parenting

I don't want to offend. I believe that your choices as a parent are specific to your family, though I also believe in educated parenting. Since a lot of material will be on my beliefs as a parent, I thought this would be an amazing way to give insight!

pro-life vs pro-choice:

I'm not 100% anything, but I am pro choice. I lean towards that side anyway. I believe that every child is a life, inside or outside of the womb. I believe it's wrong to destroy a blessing because you feel you are not ready, or because you made a mistake. However, I truly believe that children and rape victims should be allowed to abort unwanted pregnancies because of the physical and mental trauma it might cause. It's still a life though, and those people in those terrible circumstances who do keep their children are wonderful people who value the human life despite it's origins.

baby wearing: I wear Eliana on a pretty much daily basis. We have a soft carrier we put in the bottom of the stroller and when she is moody or wants to sleep (or eat sometimes) we put her inside of it. She's nearly 20 lbs (nearly 9 Kg) now so it's getting tougher. We went through stages where we didn't have a stroller, do occasionally using the stroller if we were out all day, for a break. Now we use the carrier if I need to be hands free or if she needs some loving while we're out and about.

Circumcision:

I believe that the boy's penis is not the family penis. It's his. However, this really isn't my choice, my husband is a man, I don't have a penis so how could I ever make such a decision for my son? I leave this to my husband, and as muslims we do believe in the benefits of circumcision and we practice it.

Adoption: My husband and I would love to adopt one day. I love the idea of giving a child a loving home, I love being a mother and providing everything that child needs. It's an honour. I also think those who give their children up for adoption because they cannot provide are so strong. I don't think I could be that strong, maybe I'm selfish, or too attached. I just think it's such a wonderful opportunity to give your little creation the best chances at life and it;s so selfless.

baby piercing: I don't plan on getting my daughter earrings until she's much, much older. It'll be her choice and until she's old enough to want them she won't be getting them done.

breastfeeding vs formula feeding: I believe that if you can't breastfeed that's okay, but you should at least try. No one can deny it is the healthiest thing for your baby. It's packed full of immunities and vitamins, fats, and is essential for growing babies. It's a bonding mechanism that God made between mother and baby. Anyone who sexualizes breastfeeding in my opinion is being really creepy, there is nothing sexual about such a natural thing. Mothers afraid of getting saggy breasts from it are pretty wrong, misinformed, and selfish. I have breastfeed my daughter since she was born and I will continue until she doesn't want it anymore.

Spanking: I was spanked. I think most children born in the 90's and thousands of years before that were spanked. I don't think it ruined my life, it wasn't an abuse thing as much as it was punishment. Would I do it to my children? Probably not. I know so many other ways to keep my children from doing dangerous/stupid/disrespectful things, I don't need them to fear me in order to get them to not do them.

Co-sleeping: I'm huge on this. I believe there is this terrible misconception about co-sleeping with your babies. My husband and I were raised in households with 'family beds'. If fact my husband says he slept with them until he was around 4 or 5. I know I was around 2 1/2 or 3 when I slept in my own bed. Other than being terribly convenient and deliciously sweet sleeping with a softly breathing warm baby, it's crucial in my opinion. No one likes to be cold and alone in their bed, especially not someone new to this scary world. My daughter has slept though the night since she was a week old because she is comfortable. I know there are dangers, but if you look at the studies and the warnings- if you smoke, drink, or you have a sleeping condition, you probably shouldn't sleep with your children. Most people DO in fact smoke, drink, and have sleeping conditions, therefore as muslims who have none of these attributes- I'd say sleeping with my children is pretty darn safe. I'm a light sleeper anyway. I will go into this another time.

home vs public vs private vs charter schooling: I would love it if my children could be in a private school or charter school, however, we don't have the money to do that for all of the children we want. Also, we're not very stable, we plan to live between 2 countries and that can make things a bit difficult. I am in love with the idea of homeschooling but my husband is so worried that our kids wont meet people, I guess only time will tell.

Vaccines: I am largely against uneducated vaccinations. I think as parents it's our responsibility to look into what we administer to our children, and you'd be appalled about what is in some injections these days. I also don't feel my infants need a hepatitis shot since they are just about no-risk if not the lowest low risk. We pick and choose what we vaccinate against, when, and how. So far my 5 month old is vaccine free, but then again, she isn't in daycare, she is not babysat, she isn't formula fed, she doesn't crawl, she doesn't have children to play with to share germs, when we are in public places she is usually attached to me. We'll start around 6 months- 1 year. Update: Eliana is 7 months now and she`s received the first of her shots because we plan to travel soon. She did not get all of the vaccines to date, just what we decide was important for travel.

medicating babies: I avoid medicating my baby as much as possible, but I'm not stubborn enough not to give my child antibiotics for infections since it's rare you can heal them naturally. I give my daughter ibuprofen for teething (she has teeth already), but I only give it to her before bed so she can sleep. During the day we naturally remedy teething pain. We don't use cold medicine when she is sick with a cold or flu, we would only use it to keep down a fever which she's never had alhamdulilah.

cloth vs disposables: I cloth diaper. I use cloth diapers by 'Lovely Cloth Diapers', I think their price is amazing. It ranges from $7- $12 a diaper, which is half price of larger brand named cloth diapers.Our stash of roughly 23 (3 days worth) diapers was about 250$ with accessories and we've not spent money on diapers since. I'd hate to run out and spend a ton of money on diapers so this saves me time and a money. I'm very health conscious of my baby, I'm not a fan of the chems and bleach used in disposables, though we used them when we travelled once because it was slightly more convenient.

CIO method (cry it out): We've always been attentive to our daughter. I WIO (whine it out), I let her whine and get aggravated with her toys/ herself because it helps her learn how to entertain herself, it also develops self-soothing skills without being too harsh with her and completely ignoring her. She whines until she figures it out or cries, and then I'm there to praise or fix the situation. I believe babies cry for a reason, since it's their only way to communicate it's necessary to listen to them. It would be maddening to yell for help and know that you're being ignored. How can I expect my daughter to rely on me and trust me if I'm constantly letting her scream for love/attention/food. I'm her mother, no one else on earth, save daddy, should be her comfort. 

'Lovey' aka Husband

I'm married to a Saudi wonderful man.

It all started in 2007, I was very...very young. Without going into detail I may or may not have still been in high school, to give you some insight. It just so happened that one night I met my husband.

I didn't sleep that night.

Three days later he professed his love. What a disaster. I would have run, had I not been so fascinated and carefree. Three months later I realized, it may have been genuine, if possible. I confessed I loved him too. Five months later he traveled 6533 miles to meet me. Three seconds after we met we fell in love. We eventually got married. We got pregnant. I had the baby, luckily, not him. It's been 5 months since then, and we're pretty happy with us.

That's where it stands, five years with a lot of love, sacrifice, and struggle. Lot's of struggle on my husbands part.

So, for the record- I'm very happy. Yes, I'm the wife of a Saudi man. I'm not unhappy, not culture shocked (anymore), I'm not oppressed, not abused, I'm not not okay. I made some mistakes, I was naive, but alhamdulilah I am incredibly blessed. (I don't like to say lucky, I don't believe in luck as much as I believe in fate.)  I am SO loved by this man that I'm pretty willing to say that I listen to no one when it comes to relationship advice. I didn't when everyone warned me not to mess with someone I didn't know, an arab, someone with such different values and such a different mindset. I didn't when he was working his arse off a whole year and everyone said he would never come back to me. I knew the truth.

I knew he loved me.

And that's just it people! That's what it's about. Yes, I'm married to a Saudi. I'm also married to a talented, smart, open minded, exciting, unconditionally loving, sweet, sweet man. Mashallah, he is more than what I could've expected.

I do get mad at him, however. I get mad when he floods the bathroom making wudu. I get mad when he drenches good food in hot sauce so you can taste nothing else. I get mad when he lectures me when I'm trying to sleep. I get mad when he ignores me for his iphone, soccer, and his beard (man literally spends hours on the beard).

My husband is a huge part of me, but he doesn't define me.

He changed me, but he doesn't make the changes. I guess what makes being his wife possible is that I had to know I was who I was. I didn't become muslim for him, I didn't change my name because I'm muslim, I am proud to be myself.

If I could give counsel to any girl wanting or in a relationship with someone from another world I would say: Be you. Don't lose it. If you do you will regret it and eventually resent every difference between you and that person, those differences in you that remain will always remain. You can't change them. You can't change to fit what you think would make the relationship more suitable. The objective was never to marry him and become a Saudi woman- thats why we work so well. He married a Canadian.

So my love for bohemian fashion, my need for 90's music (astaghfurallah), my 'western food crave', my natural obsession, my love of sour cream and all things texmex, my collection of Venetian masks he thinks are so creepy, and everything that makes me 'western'- let it bother him. Let him appreciate it all the same.

If someone loves you, they value your differences. They enjoy them.

Anyway, thats my relationship.
I love my husband.

Well, Hello!

Besmillah

This all started because my husband advised me to get a hobby.

I've been a mother for 5 beautiful months, a wife for over 2 years- and I haven't actually done much in terms of 'fun' or 'something for me' in a little while. I've been a little snippy, a little aggravated. Bored. So, it's probably best that I take my husbands advice and get off of his back.

I guess I was just inspired, I've been reading blogs- the anonymous nonparticipating reader- for a long time now. I practically rely on them to pass the time between soccer games (where husband goes silent and all is forgotten) and maghrib until isha.

This is where people can learn about me, read about what I've done and what I'll do. It'll document our travel to Saudi inshallah. It will be something for my friends, family, and my husband to look at. Mostly it's just something to pass the time, to spare me boredom. A hobby. 

So, to all of you that don't sleep in my bed, see me every morning, hear me on the phone: here is an introduction!

I'm Canadian through and through.
My name is Bridgette and I love my name.
I love food to an excess.
I enjoy (truly!)  being a mother and wife.
I love adventure.
I'm a muslimah.
I'm pretty young.
I have crazy parents.
I'm extremely blessed and I have known great loss.
I'm only getting started.