UGH. Too many choices.

Everyone fights to have the ability to choose. People spend time and money to have the right to choose... and then when we're faced with too many choices we naturally want to throw our hands up and say, "Ya Allah give me whatever is best for me!" Which is by no means a bad thing to do, but it all becomes so overwhelming that we sit back and make excuses for not making up our minds.

This week I've been so frazzled. We moved to our apartment in Makkah to stay for good while we worked out my working situation. I had an offer from one school, then two, then three. All had amazing perks, and really, really bad things which made it seriouly hard not to just give up and stay at home with my baby. 3 callbacks... that's more than what I expected and it's great. I'm not complaining. Oh wait... I am. It was TERRIBLE.

I mean, even getting to the first interview was this emotional explosion. I didn't expect it, but the idea of leaving my baby for the first time really hurt me and I spent a week procrastinating because I didn't know if I was ready to leave her.  I got over it, I motored on.

With school A, I saw them first and I loved the manager who interviewed me and I adored the location and the building. I was incredibly happy to land that job, that is, until my brother in law told my husband that the pay was extremely low. For 4 hours a day, 4 days a week I thought it was amazing. It was the hours that won me, just enough that I could get out of the house without feeling like I was going to die if I didn't go home. I liked the method of teaching, I completed the online course, I was ready.

Then I got callbacks from two other schools...

I thought, because of the pay issue, I might as well see what I can get! I rushed to school B. School B was very prompt in replying. They told me to prepare 2 mock lessons, 5 minutes long. The language barrier between the woman on the phone and I had me completely confused and I was really nervous that I would get there and make a fool out of myself during my mock lesson.

I got to school B and I told the front desk I wanted to see Mrs. so and so and she waved me up the stairs. Ok, hella rude, but I ignored it. I walked upstairs and poked my head into 3 offices before finding Mrs. so and so. I got there and she was nice enough, that is, until she made a comment about me being big and tall and that I didn't look like a good candidate for teaching kids because I might scare them! I sucked in a breath and didn't respond. She then got the demo ready, and my mock student ended up being students. They liked my kids demo and then I went into the subject matter that Mrs. so and so had me prepare- grammar in 5 minutes. I turned to the white board and they started whispering in arabic behind me, giggles, and I remembered Mrs.so and so's comment and tried not to think about it but I could feel the sting in my eyes. I wanted to cry, since getting there it DID NOT go well. Mrs. so and so was rude, these mock students who would be teachers I work with could see I was not in my game, I felt like a major idiot. I bombed my grammar lesson.

Before meeting with Mrs. so and so they pulled her aside, probably to tell her I was incompetent. She walked into her office, looked me up and down, and told me that I was hired and she wanted me to work Sunday. She also told me that the demo bombed and she didn't care because it was a stressful situation to be put in... I didn't want to like her. I already saw how they worked there. I didn't feel good at all. The pay, however, was excellent. Beyond excellent. As soon as I left I felt sick... would I really sacrifice happiness for money? Maybe. If I could suck up my pride and walk in there again. It was unlikely.

Then I headed to my next interview, a bit shaken, emotional. It was a really well funded facility, clean, lots of young teachers. I met the manager and we started talking. She was friendly and sociable, she told me she liked me right away and it boosted my confidence enough that I forgot about school B. She told me school C was the largest in the world, and it looked like it. She couldn't give me an accurate idea of what my salary would be, somewhere between 6 and 7 thousand. Later into the interview things got unprofessional. She told me she fired someone because they didn't say Hi, she told me I was taking the spot of someone who she was going to fire for gossip. She offered to hang out and smoke shisha (not something I do...). I was getting a weird vibe, they all seemed very... close. She was the 'popular' girl at work, the boss, and that scared me. A lot. I still don't know what to make of them. They have a driver, the funding, great vacation pay, all the good stuff. But they scared me a bit, and not knowing my salary does NOT help me make a decision.

So now, after tons of STRESS I decided to follow my heart and stick with school A, the pay isn't great but the hours are. The environment looked healthy. They were very professional. Sometimes making choices is overwhelming, hard, and now not something I want to do for a very long time...

This Month! Eid, Eating Habits ( and one HEALTHY recipe)

Eid mubarak to everyone! I've been so busy!

Last week and four days after- I went into surgery for a chest infection. All good now, just healing! Not so happy about the scar but I'm really happy about feeling better before eid! My hospital experience was absolutely amazing and I hope to write about it soon.

Healing and hectic trip to Makkah- my MIL wanted to do Umrah and my husband and I had to travel to Jeddah for my job, so my SILs and MIL joined us for a trip to Makkah. It was really hectic, really stressful, worthwhile, and at least we got what we needed done. I didn't do umrah during ramadan, mainly because it was too crowded for Eliana and I didn't want to risk getting sick so soon after my surgery.

EID- Eid just SHOWED up among the chaos. We nearly forgot. Eid here is a weird, wonderful, festive, and fun experience. I'm so happy to have been here to enjoy it with my husband and his family. Eliana made tons of money and ate tones of chocolate, both things make me nervous! We started her back on Cloth diapers yesterday and let me tell you- it was a mistake. Whatever she ate yesterday was NOT good! Haha! I didn't enjoy being separated from my husband, was thrown in with people who don't understand me while he visited a village worth of family. I missed him, but I did go to a party! It was lovely. The fireworks are terrifying here, not so sure if everyone knows firework safety! Today is a huge village get together, tomorrow my FIL and all his brothers will all go BBQ in the outdoors with their families, all of the 100 or so of us! I'm really excited for it.

I've just been extremely overwhelmed with it all. On a positive note I've got my daughter back on a good sleeping schedule, 930-10pm nightly, which I know is really early for a Saudi kid. I just can't keep seeing her stay up until the wee hours for absolutely no reason. She gets really grumpy, plus my husband and I have some more free time this way!

I haven't been eating as well as I could be. I feel like I've had my fill of chips and fries and sweets and shwarama... maybe not my fill of shwarama, but a lot of it. Our Pomegranates and Figs on the farm are ready, however, so I've been feasting on fresh, organic, FREE fruit. I'm so excited about the variety we have in the farm, all seem exotic and extremely expensive (One Pom in Canada is like $2.50- $3!) I've had WAY too much rice, I'm getting so sick of it! Instead, a couple of nights ago I made up a huge Greek Salad for the family and it was a huge hit. I don't remember if I've ever posted the recipe, I'm way lazy to check. I adapted this recipe from one my Aunt made when I stayed with her before we moved here. It's to die for, it keeps so well and tastes better the next day...

ANOTHER GREEK:

Dressing:
One lemon, 1tsp chopped rind, rest of juice squeezed
1 tbs oregano
1 1/2 tbs parsely
2 tbs Balsamic Vinigar
1 tbs white vinigar
5 tbs Olive Oil
1 Garlic clove chopped finely
4 black olives chopped finely (I hate olives but the dressing really needs them)
1/2 tsp each Salt and Pepper

Combine all ingredients and let sit for an hour.

The Salad:
5 Cucumbers cubed
2 Green peppers cubed
1 Red or Yellow Pepper cubed
2 Tomatoes cubed
1 large or 2 small Red onions sliced thinly
1/2 feta, drained and crumbled (in Saudi Feta is wet-ish and creamy, I cut it into cubes and let it strain in a colander for 2 hours, it was dryer and more salad friendly when I added it in)
2 1/2 cups of cooked pearled wheat (some salt added)
1 can of chickpeas boiled

Combine all ingredients, feta being last. Pour on the dressing and allow the wheat to absorb the flavour, it's much better if you make this salad in advance.
This salad easily fed 11 of us, if you make it in this quantity it will last a small family 2 or 3 meals so it's perfect for us and I make it a lot. Keeps 4-5 days.

Summer Work Attire.

I hate the heat. I'm a hot blooded grizzly of a Canadian and I don't mind the cold- at all. In fact, summer was my least favourite season. Of course, that's how it goes until you marry a Saudi and he swoops you away to the middle east in summer.

Also, I cover. No matter how little goes under the abaya, it's still hot. I'm still covered. I'd still be hot even if I were butt naked. Saudi Arabia gets hot.

Now we're moving to Jeddah and I'll have to sacrifice good weather here in the Saudi South (20-30 degrees) for opportunities and a new home in 40 degree weather. I know, I know- there are seasons where it gets breezy and nice in Jeddah. I'm just too darn hot all the time.

I'm really at a loss when it comes to hot weather work attire. I'm worried I'll sweat off all my makeup, ruin my hair with my shaylah, and wear the wrong clothes to work. I'd hate to do that, and I'd hate to be standing there teaching all those kids while sweat runs off my brow like I'm a disgusting sloppy, meting mess. Lol. Sorry. That's what I invision! I want to find youthful (I'm nearing 23... only. Yes.), colorful, fun, weather friendly work attire that covers my shoulders and is relatively inexpensive. Is. This. Possible?

pic from costalpolitan

I'm pretty dead set on getting some nude pumps, mainly because they match all colours and the dust wont destroy them like it did my back flats. Poor babies. I like nude, I like the idea of having something I can wear with a lot of different items. I like the idea of low maintenance. (Before I was a mother I had nearly 18 pairs of shoes... now I have three. Running, sandals, and flats. All black. It's a sad reality that I don't have time to match shoes to my outfits anymore.)

Q. 1) What would look good with nude shoes in terms of a book bag/ purse. What colour? Should I just get a nude purse?

I'm thinking something along the lines of a quarter sleeve cardigan and a skirt. I dread the thought of 'slacks' and a blouse, I don't want to look matronly or be uncomfortable. Something about slacks always made me feel fat, most are high waist-ed yet not high enough waist-ed to properly fit me. They always cut me off in my ponch area, you know  the area that my child thrived in for 9 months. Yeah, that area.

Q. 2) Nylons, good in hot weather or not? My legs look hellish from mosquito bites. 

Anyway, at the bottom I will include some pictures of outfits I like for summer. Feel free to comment and agree or disagree!

A bright future

Things are looking up it seems! I've made personal changes, not only from within but around me as well. I've laid down boundaries, and everyone seemed to respond well (maybe a few huffs and puffs from my young SIL, but that was expected).

Ramadan always gives me a new start. Everything seems to fit and fall into place this month, the same thing happened last year. I find that routines take shape nicely, too- and I seriously needed some routine in our household! The last three months have been disorderly, I was slack on cleaning and personal goals. I've changed. It feels good!

Basically, our sleep schedule is regular, and even though we'll change it again after Ramadan it's a lot easier to change a pattern where there was one to begin with. Hopefully I'll get my daughter to sleep earlier than my husband and I, it has always been a thing where all three of us fall asleep together. I've discovered that even an hour of alone time at the end of a day makes for a happy marriage, and I'm really thankful for that simple discovery.

With a good nights sleep I've woken up energized and happy. I'm cleaning the house, cooking good, wholesome food like I used to, and I even have time to pamper myself. I'm much happier in a clean house with manicured nails!

Last week we went to Jeddah for a much needed retreat and I must say- my husband completely spoiled me. We ate well every night, we stayed out and did a lot of fun things, we even went shopping and he didn't complain! Sometimes I get the feeling like good things wont last, but not this time. I knew he was doing it all because he loved me and he told me as long as that didn't change neither would the good treatment. It was very, very nice.

In Jeddah we went to an amusement park, the Aquarium, the beach, and a few malls.

Delicious

One night with the Inlaws

The other thing I did was take a huge leap. I got a job, inshallah, with a very well known english school. I'm supposed to start after Ramadan which means my husband, daughter, and I will have to move to Jeddah asap. I'm really excited, though I'm extremely nervous about leaving my daughter because I never have. My husband says he can work it out where one of us is at home while the other works, and that makes me feel a lot better since I really don't want a 'nanny' for Elly. I already feel like 'more' of a person, more 'me'. It will also be really nice to have some of my own spending money, and the first thing I'm saving for is a trip to Canada when I can!

The inlaws don't come over every day now, and I've liked them A LOT more because of it. I knew I needed my distance! We do break our fasts together, which is nice, and a lot less cooking for me to do! lol.

Anyway, I know moving and a new job is going to make me busy but I'm going to try to stay positive since it seems Allah swt has lightened everything that was dark in my life. Alhamdulilah.

Ramadan mubarak!

Ramadan mubarak to everyone! I can't believe how quickly it's arrived!

This Ramadan I'd like to make it less about food and more about betterment of self. I would like to become more tolerant, hold my temper, and enjoy simple things without too much exposure to the tv... internet.

I'd like to learn 2 surrahs, read quran every day with my family, and explore ramadan festivities in an islamic country (which from what I see is over the top! Im really excited for what we will have in store, locally).

Yeah... we ate it all.

I would also like to decorate the house like I did before my daughter was born. I think I will invite all the kids here to do some crafts, like lanterns. Lol, the poor things want to spend time with Elly and I but sleep too early and I keep missing them. I would love to pass time with the kids instead of them passing the time with busy maids...

What I plan not to do is watch all of the smutty, crazy arabic shows that only come out during Ramadan here. It's really curious that scandalous tv dramas only seem to pop up during a holy month!

My husband also plans to take us to Jeddah next week, inshallah.  I keep seeing tons of ramadan/summer related fun going on there and it's calling us! I know  something like that will lift my spirits and is just what I need.

Finding alone time with my husband is really hard with a baby daughter, 8 siblings and their kids around all of the time, now with longer prayers, time for quran, and more people here for summer and Ramadan- this is going to be a hard month, I can already tell. Im glad we'll be travelling a bit. I'm a clingy wife lol!

Even though I want to make the month less about food on a personal level, I do plan to post some pictures of iftar and sohoor with recipes.  I love seeing what other people are having, I'm already inspired to be more healthy this time!

Making changes to make this Home

In the beginning I was in love, the idea of adventure and the thrill of a new life captured my heart and blinded me to a lot of what I was giving up.
Now, two months in, I find myself awake, aware- and all the sudden it's like a slap in the face that just keeps stinging.
I keep feeling lost, or as if I've lost everything. Yes, I've gained a home or two. Yes, it was the right financial move for my family. Yes, my husband is happier. Yes, my daughter is receiving more attention. But I have lost so much- deep, personal things that define me and my person. Things that make me...me.

So now, I'm trying to recreate myself. It's not simple, and the idea is hard to wrap my head around, but moping and feeling depressed is going to kill me-or worse, end my beautiful marriage with a man who deserves me.

I have made a short list of what I really dislike about life here. Like a pro/con list, I've written what I can do to change what I dislike. I know this next month, my demands, my changes are going to cause a fire between my husband and I but I'd rather start a fire and put it out than to let it become uncontrollable.

I no longer wish to cover my face, though I dislike the idea of making my female 'family members' uncomfortable with me. I haven't decided what the course of action is, but it's most likely that once we move out of our small village to Jeddah, that I will no longer cover.

I will demand to go out more, even if it's for no reason. I will not take no for an answer, my husband brought me here and he will have to make sacrifices, too.

I will take my daughter for walks. I miss that, whether it's in a mall or out in the open, we will be taking walks.

I will immerse myself in the Arabic language so I no longer feel detached and dependent on my husband. I will also find a way to be social and meet English speaking people.

These are just a few of the changes I will be making. I have been actively trying to show our maids who and what I am- making myself more comfortable with being myself here in Saudi Arabia. I have started eating with them, inviting them for tea, and treating them like the humans they deserve to be treated as. By doing this, I am setting an example of myself not only to them, but to my husband and his family and all Saudi's I come in contact with. I am not a follower. I am Bridgette.

I have been saying no to people, which I had stopped doing in order to fit in. That has stopped, because I realize that if I allow myself to become a doormat will be seen as a doormat. If I don't want something, I say no. I will make boundaries so I stay comfortable, even if my excuse is " We don't do this back home" or " I am western." Yes, I am, and some things to me are not acceptable.

Yelling at the maid, yelling at my child, feeding my child without asking, inviting yourself in, going into my bedroom, these are all not allowed in my home. I am not Saudi.

It' also hard to say that, but once I admitted I will never be like these people, I felt better. I will never integrate enough to become 'one of them'. I will always be Hani's wife, I will always be the foreigner or 'hawajah'. An outsider. That is okay.

Soon I will have the freedom to decorate my own home, this will include tons of plants, western style couches, an electric oven, and all of the things I loved at home- since the majority of my time will be here, I have to make my home my paradise. I won't be shy about money, wants, or needs. I will try to obtain what I believe is good for me, and good for my family without budging. No sacrifices there.

I'm writing this here because I feel like I'm declaring it, and once it's been published, I'll be held to it. Sound stupid? Not really, I like to think if one person see's this I'll hold myself to it and when the time comes to be ME- I will remember what I said, and that I keep my word.

I will not allow myself to be unhappy here. I wanted this, now I have to suck it up.
Let's hope being assertive is enough.

June

Oh no it's not the 4th of July! What the what? Where did June go?
I've got to summarize since it's been a full month and a lot has happened!

First of all, and most importantly, my baby daughter turned one! My sweet angel, my lovely cutie. I can't believe it's been a full year since I met her! It has certainly been a year of love- and I am so in love with her big brown eyes, head of crazy baby hair, her infectious smile, buck teeth, and little girly voice. I meant to post something memorable but I DELETED IT BY ACCIDENT and was so mad that I didn't blog for another 2-3 weeks. I'm an adult. I don't have a temper.

My husband told me to post that I am the queen of denial. Thanks, baby.

Elly also learned to walk. Yup. 2 days after she learned to crawl she was walking (now running). Remember how I wanted to work out? Well, thank's Allah! I've been chasing a squealing baby for almost a month, my legs are still toned, and I've managed to keep her out of the toilet she so craves to bathe in. It all worked out in the end.

On that note, Elly has lost most of her chubby charm due to running and sickness. I feel terrible. She's been sick 3 times with stomach upsets (likely from teething and being fed by many, probably unwashed, children's hands in my short absences). Mix bouts of throwing up, with a 5 day long breast hiatus because of 4 teeth coming at once- I'm not kidding (nearly broke me down, so not ready to stop BFing), with teething related picky eating, and running- you've got a lean lil toddler. I know I'm over reacting, she's about 25-26 lbs, but she used to be close to 30. She's left mommy to be the only chub in the family now, so not cool.

Ugh.Sickness. I've been sick. Right now I have mastitis, which I'm slowly starting to accept requires medication. I'm not a fan. Fevers, throwing up, lethargy. I excitedly thought I was pregnant. Nope! Last week I fainted twice, WTHeck? They said it was altitude sickness. Before that I had stomach issues. What the hell is going on? Can anyone who's moved to another country please help me understand why this is happening? I'm clean, I'm cautious. Why!!!

Enough complaining. We saw the beach in a short trip to Jeddah. I loved it! It was bizarre, as we left our car was making a weird sound, we quickly drove to a car...place (can you tell I've never had a car yet?), they quickly retrieved a fish hook and fishing wire from our tire. I laughed, oh I laughed. How does that happen? My husband got me assorted delicious cheeses, I was bored of feta, so it was an excellent treat. We ate cheese and sat comfortably in each other's arms watching medieval movies. True love.

I made tacos. So... I can live here now. It's decided. My only fear has been vanquished.

Anyway, I know we did a lot more in the month of June but Elly keeps pinching me and I think that means GET OFF THE COMPUTER MAMA!

This month is Ramadan, I'm excited to experience it in an Islamic country.