Making changes to make this Home

In the beginning I was in love, the idea of adventure and the thrill of a new life captured my heart and blinded me to a lot of what I was giving up.
Now, two months in, I find myself awake, aware- and all the sudden it's like a slap in the face that just keeps stinging.
I keep feeling lost, or as if I've lost everything. Yes, I've gained a home or two. Yes, it was the right financial move for my family. Yes, my husband is happier. Yes, my daughter is receiving more attention. But I have lost so much- deep, personal things that define me and my person. Things that make me...me.

So now, I'm trying to recreate myself. It's not simple, and the idea is hard to wrap my head around, but moping and feeling depressed is going to kill me-or worse, end my beautiful marriage with a man who deserves me.

I have made a short list of what I really dislike about life here. Like a pro/con list, I've written what I can do to change what I dislike. I know this next month, my demands, my changes are going to cause a fire between my husband and I but I'd rather start a fire and put it out than to let it become uncontrollable.

I no longer wish to cover my face, though I dislike the idea of making my female 'family members' uncomfortable with me. I haven't decided what the course of action is, but it's most likely that once we move out of our small village to Jeddah, that I will no longer cover.

I will demand to go out more, even if it's for no reason. I will not take no for an answer, my husband brought me here and he will have to make sacrifices, too.

I will take my daughter for walks. I miss that, whether it's in a mall or out in the open, we will be taking walks.

I will immerse myself in the Arabic language so I no longer feel detached and dependent on my husband. I will also find a way to be social and meet English speaking people.

These are just a few of the changes I will be making. I have been actively trying to show our maids who and what I am- making myself more comfortable with being myself here in Saudi Arabia. I have started eating with them, inviting them for tea, and treating them like the humans they deserve to be treated as. By doing this, I am setting an example of myself not only to them, but to my husband and his family and all Saudi's I come in contact with. I am not a follower. I am Bridgette.

I have been saying no to people, which I had stopped doing in order to fit in. That has stopped, because I realize that if I allow myself to become a doormat will be seen as a doormat. If I don't want something, I say no. I will make boundaries so I stay comfortable, even if my excuse is " We don't do this back home" or " I am western." Yes, I am, and some things to me are not acceptable.

Yelling at the maid, yelling at my child, feeding my child without asking, inviting yourself in, going into my bedroom, these are all not allowed in my home. I am not Saudi.

It' also hard to say that, but once I admitted I will never be like these people, I felt better. I will never integrate enough to become 'one of them'. I will always be Hani's wife, I will always be the foreigner or 'hawajah'. An outsider. That is okay.

Soon I will have the freedom to decorate my own home, this will include tons of plants, western style couches, an electric oven, and all of the things I loved at home- since the majority of my time will be here, I have to make my home my paradise. I won't be shy about money, wants, or needs. I will try to obtain what I believe is good for me, and good for my family without budging. No sacrifices there.

I'm writing this here because I feel like I'm declaring it, and once it's been published, I'll be held to it. Sound stupid? Not really, I like to think if one person see's this I'll hold myself to it and when the time comes to be ME- I will remember what I said, and that I keep my word.

I will not allow myself to be unhappy here. I wanted this, now I have to suck it up.
Let's hope being assertive is enough.