Eliana

"And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm tree. She said, "Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten." 19:23

When Lovey and I got pregnant we were over the moon. We had a strange feeling that something was about to happen, and after 3 months, we were pregnant. Nothing brightened my life as much as knowing the greatest symbol of our love dwelled inside of me, growing, thriving. 

I planned, I educated myself and packed information into my brain like never before. I readied myself and when we found out she was a girl I began to wonder how she looked and how I would love her: my own little girl. My legacy. I loved feeling her kick me, it made my heart flutter, and when I heard her heartbeat it was like a dance of love only for me. 

I knew we were close, this little thing and I. She was, after all, the only person who heard my heartbeat from the inside. I talked to her and read to her, I washed all of her clothes and sang her songs. Her father returned to us when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and we waited for her to come.

We waited a week...
and another.
A month.

I was anxious at this point, my midwife had me at the hospital every day for monitoring. I refused an induction until the last moment, I wanted her to be safely growing within me as long as she wanted. Every day the hospital sent me home, "She's quite comfortable." I knew she was. 

Alas a time came where the midwife advised I get induced, that progress was slow and that she couldn't stay there for much longer because she was growing still and she wouldn't receive the sustenance she needed any longer. My husband and I agreed and it was scheduled for Thursday.

Well, Wednesday Lovey and I went out, we talked like old friends, we enjoyed each other, went home and got into bed. I mourned because my pregnancy was at an end and I didn't get to sleep until 2 in the morning. Come 4 am Thursday, I woke up with cramps. It picked up within an hour and contractions were 9 minutes apart. By 10 am I was sure I was in labor (I don't really see how anyone can mistake pains like that!) I called the midwife and she came to our house. The midwife checked me. Things were well, I was far from ready though.

We continued to prepare for our unmedicated homebirth, by 8 at night the pain was so bad I was sobbing, I didn't want anyone to touch me. I had never felt like that before, I was exhausted. I prayed that it would be over soon, though I dreaded the idea of having to push because I was so tired. By 1 am I was still in labour, I was falling asleep between contractions, it terrified Lovey- I was screaming one minute, sleeping the next. My contractions were a minute and a half apart but I was still only at 4 cm. By 4 am the midwife looked me in the eye and told me there was something wrong and we should go to the hospital. I was so tired, in so much pain. I nodded and we were on our way. I don't remember getting to the hospital or being admitted. 

It was at 5:00 am I was given an epidural, I couldn't sleep, I was writhing in pain- too tired to cry. I was cold, my hands were numb from gripping things. I had to sleep, I had been awake at this point for 25 hours and a c-section was likely due to exhaustion. They gave me pitocin, the one thing I tried to avoid. I felt like a failure.

They had completely phased out the epidural as I requested and I began to feel the contractions again, the pain was terrible but it was manageable now that I had energy and excitement to keep me going. At 12:15 I started pushing, pushing was immediate relief to the contractions. At 2 pm my daughter had turned, we didn't even know she was posterior (facing upwards, not downwards, which makes delivery extremely difficult and opening of the cervix sometime impossible), and she was delivered within 5 minutes of that. 

The moment I saw her I looked at Lovey, he looked the happiest I had ever seen him. I could feel Eliana cry and suck in deep breaths of air for the first time. She wriggled in my arms and squirmed at my breast, I fed her and felt a rush of emotion come from me. This was the moment I had waited for. I was in labor for 34 hours and it was forgotten in 3 seconds after holding her the first time. She was born late and weighed in at 9.5 lbs, she had a full head of black curly hair and had her fathers toes.

5 months later and I am so in love. She's everything I ever wanted, funny, adorable, healthy, smart. I can't imagine my life without her. She's growing so fast, she's learning so much. 

Every pain I felt with her was worth it, yet forgotten in the love I feel now.

“And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.” 13:14